41 - Ready for it.

 Feels like a Monday. I need this cold gloomy weather to break. Seasonal depression has a strong hold still. I had some weird dreams this morning and they are still lingering. Mostly at a meeting for school like an orientation of some sort and kids coming up to me telling me they don't like my kid. Seems legit. I buckled and told him if he found his phone while cleaning his room, I would give it back. Well he cleaned and did not find it. I gave it back anyway. Regrets. Pretty sure I will have it back before tomorrow. I will be keeping it until the end of vacation if that is the case.  I ended up rearranging my room. I got my Spring/Summer clothes out in high hopes that I can wear them soon. I am pretty comfy at the moment so I think the kiddo can walk to school. Wondering if I will be going into a ton of work because I was gone for two days or no work because they sent it to someone else. I think that part is annoying, but we will see. Either way I should have time for some sc...

 Well today is the day of the services for Gramma Peaches and I am just trying to figure out if I really want to go. Celebrate her with people are well - not the best? Drama clearly going on and well maybe this is time to just let that part of me go. This eclipse season is all for that and well why have ties to people who don't actually consider me family anymore. I don't owe anyone anything. I think instead I will go put flowers on my Aunt Lori's grave - bet no one even went to see her on her bday yesterday. I usually go the day after just in case - not to run into anyone. I will then drive to the lake to admire gramma peach's house before my heart is broken to what it becomes. That is my plan.  First I have to force my kiddo to go to school. I have decided after seeing some of the things he has responded back to these girls - that maybe he can deal with a little of this himself. This is just something he will need to get through. Hopefully he is not too sick because t...

 Welp here it is - Eclipse season under the full moon riding into retrograde. Where do I start? My body is sore as fuck, but worth it. I finally got up and went to the gym at 8am on a Saturday. I was thinking it was going to be an easy light exercise class and welp. Bootcamp. I stuck it out and at the time it felt pretty good. Definitely proud of myself. Today. SORE AF FUCK. On a good note I suppose, I can't go to Zumba. Charlie has a toothache and we are going to get that checked out. It is also the boys' last day of bowling with the travel league. I pushed rent to when rent is actually due - maybe a couple days late for some extra cash - banquets, our trip, another bowling trip far away. But this tooth might fuck us. I am trying to be supportive, but it has been an issue and he kept it from me until he couldn't anymore and well that is the childish shit that pisses me off about him. I want to cancel our trip, but do not think I can at this point without getting charged an...

 And it is only Thursday. I think I am at my limit though. Between grief, sadness, work stress, school work, working myself exhausted. I thought with hubby having practice tonight I would get some much needed time alone, but instead my house is full of boys. Which honestly is nice too. I want to be the house my kiddo and his friends want to be. Can't wait to have a bigger place for them to be. So here I sit debating going into my room, crawling into a ball and crying myself until I can't anymore.  So here I sit listening to boys being annoying as fuck and watching my kitty lay on his back like a dog. I think it is time to play some video games. I will take some time to cry, grieve and release this day, but now is not the time.  Well first let me talk about more shit on my mind that is probably what is bothering me the most. My beautiful daughter. That I miss more than anything at the moment. She has been a bit distant. Adn well today she pushed a little further. I am tryi...

 3 days in a row I have made myself go to the gym. Yesterday, I was sore as fuck and walked the treadmill for 45 mins then did another machine stair thing for 5 mins. Today, I think I need to rest. We will see how I feel at the end of the day. Hubby has a bunch of shit he has to do this evening and it would be a nice evening at home also. Thinking I will just come home today and see what I am in the mood for. Probably some dumbbells to give my legs a rest.  I also have this ingrown hair - now two. In my nether regions and I am in a bunch of pain from those. Not sure how to relieve other than not walking or sitting. Also, it is a good time for meditation, yoga, setting intentions as it is now Eclipse season. I feel this power and I want to use it to the best of my ability.  Services for Gramma Peaches are next Wednesday so I will get my anniversary date day in with hubby. 10 years and this man says I want to go to the Casino. Ugh. Well whatever we decide hopefully it is af...

 Still not sure if I should count my friend's horse, but if I do then - that is the 3rd and any anxiety of another can diminish. I only have a few or so minutes with a lot on my mind. I am going to push through another day of sadness and keep to the plan. Even though today, I am taking a rest day from the gym because my body is not made for every day. We did try a new class and it kicked my ass a little. I even left less than half way through. Mostly because they said get your mat and well it didn't say to bring one so I didn't have mine. I might of suffered through the rest or at least a little more. My arms hurt. Bootcamp is not in the cards for me, but debating their Pilates class or even Zumba. No one even answered me about the bootcamp anyways, so not going. I need to tell my coworker. Okay done.  I debated staying home today, but I would just dwell on the sadness and I do not need to do that. In all honesty I do not think they are even going to have a ceremony for gra...

 So, I guess more good childhood memories will be moving forward. It hit me as I was trying to sleep the night before - thinking wow I would love her house. I always have loved that house for many reasons. Mainly some good childhood memories I had in this shithole state of Ny. Remembering when I had friends and felt loved. Every summer spending fun nights there and just the views of the beach. Then my invading thoughts of even if it went up for sale, I cannot afford it. Yes, my mind went there all the night before. Then I got a message that she was in hospice care as of Saturday and it was really only a matter of time and not with enough time to go see her. At first I was told no. So, I waited and decided I would go anyways, but then I got another message - She was gone. Liver failure took over quickly. My brother from another mother with her. So, that was that. Not even sure why it keeps hitting me so hard with the tears.  She was the closest to my Memaw that I have ever met....

 Welp they are back with no motivation, but to sleep. It's cold enough to have to drive the kiddo to school. I hate going out there and then coming back home to talk myself into going back out in the cold. At least for now the snow they said we would get isn't on the radar.  I need to pack a workout bag for the Y after work. I am going straight there after work. Summer will be here eventually and the delay is helpful to get my body ready.  I have once again deleted Facebook in hopes of trying to stay off of it. I will remind myself that when I have downtime I should be doing something productive. Or sleeping. I was thinking I would get up earlier, but I was in a deep sleep.  I did work out yesterday too. I did some dumbbells and dancing. Worked up to a sweat pretty good. Today I think I will just find a treadmill and walk on an incline for a bit. I can do my dumbbells at home. Every other day.  Dinners will be a bit bleak because we mismanaged a bit with funds o...

 It used to be a day that I liked to celebrate like the typical American. Even though I seldom went out drinking on this day since I have been back in NY. Didn't want to risk it. Now this is the day tied to Hubby's dad's death even though it did not happen on this day. This is the day however, that the family had to deal with the grief and reality set in that he was gone. So, now this day for me is getting my husband through it. I have been gaging him all week and as usual he just says he is okay. Not sure when he will deal with it, but a little worried about having just him and my son hang out all day - we will see if he asks me to go.  I have schoolwork to do. I need to watch a movie and do all the things that go with that. Watching a movie needs my full attention because I get very distracted in movies. But I need to buckle down on this school work and keep the pace so I can start college classes in Fall. The weather this week is just going to put me back into winter blu...

 Here we go. Retrograde is coming in hot with it's pre retrograde shit already. Full moon is next week and I am behind in all of my witchy shit. Still debating on where to go for the eclipse. Possibly just a closet until it is over.  Today should be a busy day. Bowling, a movie, clothes shopping for the kiddo. Then when I get home I have school work to do. Onto films - So 4 movies to watch.  Not much to say with my husband watching tv next to me so ... later I guess.

 I didn't even finish my entry yesterday. So, yeah just left that one as it is. Today is finally Friday, but closing Friday at work. They wait until the very last minute to close files. So, it is my busiest day. Should be pretty laid back though. School work though will need to be packed into this weekend. I feel like I am getting behind.  My kiddo got a teacher call yesterday and welp - I had a feeling things were going well in French class. He has been coming home a little too attached to hanging out with me, but he chose not to talk to me about it and let the teacher do so after a few days of behavior issues. So, who knows what else he isn't telling me. I think this weekend will be a phone cleanse. For both of us. So, he is going to be a peach this morning. I have also canceled our movie, but will take him to get some new clothes as he needs them.  I went to my hair appointment with that headache yesterday. I had high hopes for the head massage and instead got someone ...

 Hoping I can get it to go away before work. I am only working a few hours then I get one of those head massages so, it will get better. A bit from my period ending now so another thing to add to the list of period bullshit. It has been a great time. See ya in a few weeks. I took something today. Zumba has my body a bit sore, but definitely worth it. My body did hurt at some points, but I did not overdo it. I will need a lot of stretching today and some early sleep.  I did not sleep good. Felt this headache coming on and again with the weird dreams. These ones went right to the issue. My mother. 

 Weird dreams freak me out because they are so real, but usually have the same baseline. This one I remember pretty vividly for a dream so I wanted to get it out. First I did a tarot timeline because this is the 2nd time Chicago has come up. Not even sure what it is about, but some kind of protests that I might of wanted to be apart of, but for some reason was on a weird vacation - now I don't think it was that which scares me more. The only person from my family was my son who didn't age, but I seemed a lot older. I had a "tour guide" for me only and he was trying to seduce me and I was angry. Turned my wedding ring the other way, but was not interested because I figured he was doing it for the tips. I had money though and was not drinking. It all seemed to be a huge distraction as to what was really going on. That is why I hate movies of things that could happen any type of apocalypse movie and what not. Even Independence day scared me.  Not sure what message to tak...

 Today will probably feel more like a Monday, but I am in a better mood. Also, I am completely ignoring the fact that I had yet another jabbing pain in my side last night that brought me to tears. Okay, not ignoring it, but not sure who I need to call. Back pain from period is causing it, that I am pretty sure. Then again, this is all new and I have no fucking idea. So yeah I am a bit worried. I will make a call. After my period is over.  Hair appointment is going to get pushed because well if is it not getting colored then another treatment can wait. So, yeah I need to make sure I make that call. Still debating now, I really want some color sooner than later.  Today should be a beautiful day after this cold morning. I slept like shit so tonight's plan is to just go to bed early. My period is kicking my ass. Work ended up in our downtown Buffalo office yesterday. De-escalation training. Meh I will do my best, but I am old enough to know that if someone can't control thems...

 If I do the things I am supposed to today this is all I should have time for. I am cramped up, bleeding profusely, and well at least I look good. I am wearing my new pants and of course my Steve Jobs sweater. Another winter day here in WNY. Scraped ice off my windshield to take the kiddo who guilt tripped me into taking him. It wasn't much as it is like 20 degrees. I strongly debated calling in. Going into the office isn't for the weak. Weak is me. I miss rolling out of bed not having to dress and getting shit done. I am just thankful that we are not that busy and I will just go with it so I can get some schoolwork done.  Thinking about my hubby this week and how it will be hard for him. Reliving the moments of his father's death. If it is impacting me, I usually just times that by a million to figure out where his head is. 5 years this year. Still does not seem that far. I think it impacts me hard for a few reasons. One, my grandpa passed a month before well not even. So,...

 Welp, what better way to get rid of these winter blues than to go shopping for some new Spring clothes. Something kept nagging me to go to TJ Maxx today and I actually made out. I even found a pair of dress pants that are not just for tall people. I am very bloated due to my period, yep finally started and decided to go shopping in the snow for some clothes.  Slight headache because flow is coming and the back pain makes all of the sense. Now how to tackle it before my period every month. That is tricky. I did not do much school work today. Was just not in the mood. I did one story and then asked myself why I decided to do all of them? Well the 2nd story is hard to get into so I will need to be sure I can concentrate. Tomorrow morning should work.  Tomorrow I am going to try to make myself go to this Cardio Step class, but honestly if my period is in full force. I probably won't. I can hole up in my room with the heating pad and do school work. Really should just focus o...

 Trying to find the actual cause of this back pain is probably not the best guessing game. Constipation, lifting shit I shouldn't, breathing, whatever the reason - I think it might be time to get it worked out. Only concerning because one - I haven't pooped in a long time and it is just pissing me off at this point. I have done all of the things apart from taking some laxative. That is today. My period hasn't started so not sure what that is all about so yeah just guessing and getting more anxious. Being anxious pisses me off.  I finally did some school work yesterday. More will get done today. The boys have bowling an hour away and if I have to stand the whole time well my legs will most likely give out so not going. Yep. Went to put my phone on the charger and could not walk back to the living room. I had to have Charlie carry me to the bed. So, heating pad and taking it easy trying to relieve this pain, but it might be from my bed. Super.  I was going to try some free ...

 That pretty much sums up how the weekend will be with rain coming in tonight. Said it would get up to 60 today so hubby says he will grill. We shall see. With later sunsets also coming this weekend, I am in a better mood. Probably until I get to work. I am really going to focus on just doing my job and not being involved. Lay low until I get this degree and then decide my future.  Sounds like they have plans of their own so I am worried about that as far as seniority goes. Patience. Still trying to learn that shit. Hopefully while I was out they rearranged how they want things to look then.  Both Mama and Papa cardinals were on the feeder this morning. Male watching the sun rise while she ate. It was quite beautiful.  Not sure if my son is aware, but he is walking to school today. Then I will get ready. Jeans and a sweater. Easy enough for a Friday.  So, today. Work, School work. Have dinner, more school work - maybe. Might depend on how much I can get done at ...

 Decided to take yet another one of these and I am just wondering if I am okay. As usual before my period, but starting to feel this fast track I put myself on and the fact that I need to get on the fucking train. That is what I have been thinking about today. I spent the day tired from the concert last night and again stressing to my husband that once and a while, a concert is nice, but I do not want to do it regularly. I want to save money, I want to study and I need to finish this. even though at the moment I do not want to do it.  In all honesty. I need to push myself. I will be successful at work and finish this course so I can start these classes. I feel the energy pulling me. Hoping my husband is actually on board scares me. Everything is set and ready to go. I just need to get with it.  Tomorrow will be a better day. Today was a good day with my kiddo even if he got on my last nerve.  I have been watching this David Beckham documentary not only for the obviou...

 Tonight is the night. Downtown fun with good parking because I got cheap ass tickets. The seats may not be the best, but it will be a good date night with my honey. 10 years of having a concert buddy and that is all I ever wanted. I also got a decent man who lets me be me and deals with my kiddo the best he can.  Other than that I am doing pretty good this morning. My knee hurts a bit, but I know it is the wet, cold weather outside. We went to bed early last night. It was much needed. My brain was fried from work and I didn't even get into the full lesson for school. I need to carve out just specific times to work on that stuff so I do not burn myself out.  Today I will just take it easy and try to get through the first lesson. I think work will be another quiet day. So, must do some school work.  My hair did not get colored last night, but I didn't want to force her into doing it when she said it wasn't completely ready. So, next week one more and we think it will ...

 Ah felt so good. Waking up to another beautiful day before it gets back to regular NY weather. My son however does not think I was serious about making him walk today. He will just be late because this is literally the only time I will have to myself other than getting my hair done and honestly - that stresses me out so much. I think I am just doing a regular treatment today, but still. Socializing with people I do not know and if I get stuck there for 3 hours again, I might lose my mind.  I might be stressing myself out about the work load for school. I need to remember this goes at my pace and just to take it one lesson at a time. It should be cool. I am learning something that I do not know anything about, so I really will be learning.  So, yeah I will probably work on some at work as it is still slow, but with the nice weather we did pick up. While I was gone. Which was silly. I think I want to wear my purple and black flower dress today.  I am supposed to walk ...

 Yes, it is beautiful outside and I had every intention of walking for a long time after work, but my kiddo had other plans. He wanted friends over and even though the friends time changed for when he needed to be home, it left me with no time. So, I cleaned up the kitchen. Charlie and his baseball guys are at the park practicing and now it is about dark.  Ryan should be back so I can take his friend home and then well. Not much left of the day. I will use it to sit in the dark and relax. I have a slight headache from whatever - no idea. Could be too much bullshit once I got home, not enough food or caffeine. The weather. The planets. The start of my period. Who fucking knows.  I worked. Walked down to the school and did my in office testing and now have a two new lessons that maybe I am stressing about due to the amount of work there is. It looks like it is broken down a bit though, it is just a subject I am not too familiar with and it has me slightly stressed. Reason f...

 So, yesterday I followed my intuition and went to Ryan's bowling. Then he was asked to do a tournament and I went to that too even though my knee was giving me a hard time. Just hurting with pain in my leg. Still feel it today, but decided I will take something if it becomes annoying. Also wont the 50/50 - after being extremely stressed about money. Need to pay the man soon for taxes, stove is going to crash very soon. We have been given all of the signs and of course Charlie ignores them. Well the Bake button broke yesterday so it is only a matter of time now. Hopefully grilling season is sooner than later.  Then he wants all of this money for this concert that I didn't even want to get tickets for because they were ridiculous and now he is all like hoodies, tshirts and what not. Stressful. I still need to get my hair done tomorrow and my funds for that are low. He is in imaginary world with this concert shit. We are still bleeding more money than saving and now big money sh...

 What to do? Go to Zumba? Go to bowling? Clean the house? Lay in bed?  Well I need to be a little motivated. Semi busy week ahead. Bowling is probably a no as that place is small and too crowded. Thinking the same for Zumba, but I do need to run to Walmart so might need to just do it. Planning my week ahead: In office checks for class, class on Monday, Hair appt. on Tuesday, concert on Wednesday, then not sure for the rest of the week. I am hoping that is actually nice. Today's nice day looks to be clouds and not enough warmth for outside work as planned so. My room does need to be cleaned and clothes need to be put away.  That is my week other than the usual shit like work. Maybe this will be the week I wake up for that 6am core & more class.  So, today. I do not even know. Other than I hope I can poop and wondering when my period will actually start.  Oh good hubby did one of the to-do tasks - something was sticky on the fridge door making a horrible noise...

 Still no word on my corrections which is a little annoying. Maybe I should look into someone who is only doing the program or something. Anyways, today looks like winter, but hopefully by the end of the day it will look like Spring.  I have to be in full business dress today and I guess it is okay only because it is Friday. I slept hard last night after running a few errands with honey and having "one last dinner out" We will see how we do for March, but the plan is on going out to eat. I am ready to start eating healthy. I feel like shit today, but no fever so I will try and make it through work. I plan on saving some "sick days" for extremely nice weather days.  One of the top ladies is coming in today and I hope it is to talk about the security for our office. Or like one of the attorney's pointed out. At least a lock for my personal office door. I have been trying to keep my door closed, but I do not really like that mainly because I cannot see especially w...