Diet, Fitness and other bullshit

 So, yesterday I followed my intuition and went to Ryan's bowling. Then he was asked to do a tournament and I went to that too even though my knee was giving me a hard time. Just hurting with pain in my leg. Still feel it today, but decided I will take something if it becomes annoying. Also wont the 50/50 - after being extremely stressed about money. Need to pay the man soon for taxes, stove is going to crash very soon. We have been given all of the signs and of course Charlie ignores them. Well the Bake button broke yesterday so it is only a matter of time now. Hopefully grilling season is sooner than later. 

Then he wants all of this money for this concert that I didn't even want to get tickets for because they were ridiculous and now he is all like hoodies, tshirts and what not. Stressful. I still need to get my hair done tomorrow and my funds for that are low. He is in imaginary world with this concert shit. We are still bleeding more money than saving and now big money shit is coming up and he isn't prioritizing. 

Stress = bloat and no desire to do anything. We managed not to eat out yesterday though even with not being home most of the day. Was that his decision though? No. I had to make it. I always have to make the hard choices. When I slack no one holds me accountable except for my regret way of thinking. Weight is heavy again and hubby is back to his own little world. 

This time though fuck it. I will not pull him out of it. He can fucking stay there and when I leave he better not be fucking surprised. I am becoming bitter again and very passive aggressive. Has no effect. 

I get into a groove fitness wise and my body just isn't having it. Possibly underlining shit I do not want to confront. Is MS passed down? All of these years I said it was a fake illness for lazy people and now I wonder. Yeah I said it. Most of MS is treatable if you get off your ass. 

Then the best friend asks for a tattoo ... yes I want a new one, but a matching one with someone I see twice a year and barely talk to in between and do not even feel close to anymore? No, probably not so I need to tell her that. Maybe not matching tattoos, but tattoos at the same time will work. Yes, I am still sad about the last matching tattoo. 

Guess there is a lot more on my mind than I thought. Not really but wanted to dump some before getting ready for the day. Need to work a little earlier so I can take an hour lunch to do in office checks for class. It should be a beautiful day so that really is the only thing I have going for me today so far. I am sure I will find other things, but at the moment, thinking about all of the shit around here that needs to get done like meal prep that I never got to yesterday. I asked hubby - can I just do it tomorrow and instead of saying I can do it while you have class he said yeah babe just do it tomorrow. 

So no not feeling social - not feeling like working out - not feeling much of anything hoping my fucking period comes soon so at least those feelings pass. 

I need to prioritize my day so I can still fit in everything including some me time. 

So, work. Class at lunch break which I will walk to (that's nice) then maybe I will not do the Zoom class because she should be putting 2 new lessons and I can go for a long walk, meal prep. And I just realized no one took out the fucking meat for fajitas. FUCK. Back to pissed. There sent a text about my feelings. 

Well I think I can take it out and it be okay by the time we have dinner, but still. WTF. I sat down and planned meals for next week. We haven't did the budget book in a couple weeks. Yesterday he is all sad about his son being a dick at bowling but in reality his son is a dick all of time and he is just now realizing it. Ugh - I need to get out of this shit mood. I need to get dressed and get my day started. 

I will be back to bitch some more because here is the only place I can put it. I do not have a best friend to vent to - I do not have a partner that helps make important life decisions. 

I just got me and I think I am falling apart. Need surgery on my knee and will never lose this god damn weight. 

Fuck positivity. It is toxic. Not real. And I am just tired.