Rest in Peace Gramma Peaches

 So, I guess more good childhood memories will be moving forward. It hit me as I was trying to sleep the night before - thinking wow I would love her house. I always have loved that house for many reasons. Mainly some good childhood memories I had in this shithole state of Ny. Remembering when I had friends and felt loved. Every summer spending fun nights there and just the views of the beach. Then my invading thoughts of even if it went up for sale, I cannot afford it. Yes, my mind went there all the night before. Then I got a message that she was in hospice care as of Saturday and it was really only a matter of time and not with enough time to go see her. At first I was told no. So, I waited and decided I would go anyways, but then I got another message - She was gone. Liver failure took over quickly. My brother from another mother with her. So, that was that. Not even sure why it keeps hitting me so hard with the tears. 

She was the closest to my Memaw that I have ever met. She was a little more moody and deaf so she didn't talk well, but she was funny and spunky like her. She had a safe place to go. Again though I did not get to say goodbye. I fucked it up. I froze. I waited thinking I had more time and I did not. That is why I am so upset. Now I wait for instructions on services if any and what not. 

I will go to work today and like I did yesterday - make it through as planned. I did go to the gym, but my mood was not into it. And again it became packed so I got anxious and abruptly left. The one class I thought I might like was packed too and too many turn arounds. I cannot spin. I have a hard enough time getting off a damn treadmill. The motion sickness from that has me gripping back to reality for a few or so minutes. So, yeah. Just waiting for more info and will probably be the last to know if people remember to tell me. Another upsetting fact. I am "family" until it is something important that family should be involved in and then I am last to know. Either way, I am ready to jump in if needed. I just don't think I will be. Another reminder to move on and let go of the past I suppose. 

Snow is on the ground. A white blanket of bullshit. Today is supposed to be the first day of Spring and they are talking high cold ass winds and 2 more inches. I will try to get through the movie and finish some school work. As I expected I was not in the mood after the day I had yesterday, the gym and just exhausted already. I think I relaxed for an hour then went to bed. 

This is still the path I want though so I need to keep working at it. I want to be fit so I need to make myself go to the gym. I decided not to try the free classes because I am not paying for those sessions. I am going to utilize my Y membership and that is okay. 

I was bored on the machines yesterday, but that was because Charlie came and well we do not really talk about much other than work and fucking pickleball. After that, working out with no music was the worst. Plus I walked the treadmill, I wanted something to do with my arms and then I did a sitting pedal thing and ... same. Even though my legs were on fire, it did not feel like much. 

At least I am not extremely sore today. Just I think from the cold and a little from working out two days in a row. Hopefully my body allows me to keep this up. 

Today, I will get through. I am allowed to grieve. I think I will watch the snow though from the conference room so I am not completely alone with my thoughts today.