This week has been a lot

 And it is only Thursday. I think I am at my limit though. Between grief, sadness, work stress, school work, working myself exhausted. I thought with hubby having practice tonight I would get some much needed time alone, but instead my house is full of boys. Which honestly is nice too. I want to be the house my kiddo and his friends want to be. Can't wait to have a bigger place for them to be. So here I sit debating going into my room, crawling into a ball and crying myself until I can't anymore. 

So here I sit listening to boys being annoying as fuck and watching my kitty lay on his back like a dog. I think it is time to play some video games. I will take some time to cry, grieve and release this day, but now is not the time. 

Well first let me talk about more shit on my mind that is probably what is bothering me the most. My beautiful daughter. That I miss more than anything at the moment. She has been a bit distant. Adn well today she pushed a little further. I am trying not to take it personally, but when it comes to her and pushing away - I have told myself not to let her push anymore. But she let me know that her and her sister who has been through the ringer because of her father & grandmother's bullshit. Well I guess they are coming to a new light and she needs to wrap her head around it. Finally seeing them come to this is heartbreaking, but at the same time relieving - them seeing that maybe it wasn't just me being a shitty mom - I am not saying I wasn't because I could of tried harder, but her realizing that it wasn't just me and the manipulative games that have been played. I honestly do not want to be in the crossfire of anger that will come of that. I am going to be my best to be there, but not overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I should contact her sister's mother again and plan a meet up of all of us. But then I think that is fucking stupid. Jasmine has a lot of "planted" dislike for her and she needs to work that out on her own. I will pray she finds her way back to me like she always does. 

I think the best thing for me to do is lay low myself. I might of started a fire at work with the union reps and even though I was fiery in what I had to say, it was probably not my place. It just gets so annoying how ass backwards the office is ran and well my intentions are good, I just have a stupid way of expressing myself sometimes. So, here on out I need to suppress until I have had a moment to breath and think about shit.

If fucking winter would go the fuck away, my mood would improve by a million.