41 - Ready for it.

 Songs that come out at the perfect moments are just what really keeps me going. Today - Boiling Point by the new band I am falling in love with called Aurorawave and they meshed with The Ghost Inside for a beautiful reggae hard mix and I do not hate it. So yeah.  I kind of went off on the lady at the school yesterday. I was really upset and didn't go off really, just let her know that this program is making me pretty fucking frustrated. I started one of the two lengthy lessons put into my queue and then when I went back to continue - poof they were gone. Another lesson needed corrections and it was one from over a month ago that I thought was gone. So, I let them know this was stupid and I wanted to quit. Because ... I do. I just wanted to be done by now and they take forever to get things corrected and such. I just don't know if this is the path I should be taking. Maybe I should just enjoy the path I am on and yeah I know. The reason I am doing it is so if I get randomly cu...

 My dreams are always so vivid from the moment I get up at 5am to pee to whenever I get out of bed at 7 to wake the kiddo. Lately, I stay in bed until 8. Doesn't do me much good, so I am up having my coffee with some things on my mind.  I took a half "sick" day yesterday and went to the school to do all of my in office checks before this lady goes out for surgery - she will be out until Sept. Not sure the other lady will be as easy on me, so wish me luck. I would like this shit done soon. 2 more lessons released so I will start those today. I will be styain in my office either way today. With my emotions lately, I just need to stay away from people. My kid has me at high stress and well - it was a reminder not to forget about myself. So, yesterday I took a a 3 mile walk and it was nice until the creepy child was watching me.  This weekend is supposed to be our getaway, but it looks like some rain. Honestly other than the band, not looking forward to it. Hubby got it for m...

 Self care = boredom sometimes. Today has been a lazy day so much so that I got up to do a quick dance exercise video. That was enough for me. I am tired. About to cook some salmon Cajun pasta. For now - watching a movie. Irish Wish - a new Lindsey Lohan movie. IDGAF what anyone says. I love her and her movies.  This week will be busy, but not as busy as the weeks have been lately. Ha jk something almost every day and then a trip this weekend. After a meltdown of not spending money and then needing to spend fucking money. I shouldn't stress, things will work out how they should. Just feel like summer time hits the air and I start fucking up everything. I was in this exactly place last year - working hard. I guess I do not need to work as hard now. So, progress. If only, I could stop eating fucking sugar. But ... I do not want to.  So, anyways - just stressed that we have not saved money and not like we really could anyways. After paying bills, we have been strapped. Fucki...

 It has been a powerful one as far as my kiddo and trying to make the right decisions on his punishment. I think it is time to not let him get his way and keep him at home this holiday weekend. I am just not sure he gets how serious what he did is. Or if he even cares other than missing his gf. We will see. I would like some time with my husband.  Sitting here at work after a brutal downtown training yesterday. Not in the mood to be here. The guys have off and are going golfing. At least it is quiet though. It won't be s bad. Long weekend ahead and it should be nice a majority of the time. Monday looks to be storms and rain, but will be a great excuse to do nothing all day so I can't wait. A weekend of yard work and birdwatching sounds up my alley after a busy ass week. Tonight included. Another trip downtown for a baseball game.  I am waiting for people to leave for the day and then I will probably game until it is time to fuggin gooo.  Not much to say, I am just ho...

 Finally decided to bring the laptop into work and get on their network. For beta testing purposes and school shall any new lessons come through. Just touched base with her. Trying to stay on my side of the office a little more as soon I will be `phones and sitting here bored out of my skull otherwise needs to stop.  Something I enjoyed this morning was getting dressed and seeing how "snatched" I look. Yes, a new word I hate, but definitely seeing some results in my workouts even if they have been minimal lately. Today, I am going to do Zumba and tomorrow and Friday if she does not cancel. I have not got up to get on the treadmill because - I just do not want to. Forcing my body awake before I am ready is the worst and then I am fighting tired all fucking day. I do not like it. Yesterday, I got up and did a little stretching and dumbbells for maybe 30 mins. Good enough. Moving at work as much as possible and well eating better. Because that is where I am lacking. I did order ...

 So, already the smoke from Canada is going to be an issue. Wish this Hunger Games would just die down. Like Covid took over then this smoke all summer last summer. I just want a nice non-issue summer. Yes, rainbows and fucking butterflies. Anyways, I did end up working out yesterday. No Zumba because my kiddo went to his gf's game and so I stuck around the house awaiting for pick up. Treadmill and dumbbells - lots of sweat. Tomorrow hopefully the weather will hold off enough for me to walk to work. Otherwise, calling in sick.  Tonight is the bowling with lawyers for learning event. With work people I do not know. A couple of them hung out in my office yesterday though so it should be okay. It is the 45 min drive and hoping I get done before it gets too dark that I am worried about now. It is only 2 games instead of 3 so it should be okay. Than we have to drop off my car for some work that will cost us and then pass it's inspection. This was supposed to be the check that was ...

 And it felt good. So, no treadmill today, but Zumba later. Not much time this morning because when I say slept in, I mean until like after 7. Forced myself out of bed. Then when I thought I would have time to drink my coffee, kiddo asked for a ride to school because he was sore. SMH. He actually played all night last night lol so yeah he was sore. Made him come to the game last night and he brought a friend. Easiest way to do that so he wouldn't be a brat the whole time.  Work was super slow until the end of the day as usual. So yeah bringing reinforcements today because school work is done until I can do these office checks next week. I may continue this later as I am taking the lap top with me and my Switch. Not sure which I will be able to log into so better start getting ready for work. 

 Still feel the pull of the meh, but fighting through it. I got up, got on the treadmill and did a 25 min program, then did one set of my weights, and some stretching. I think one set will have to work for now. I might through some in at work, but we will see. Having a smoothie, then I will shower and get ready for the day. More sleep would of been nice, but feeling good that I did something.  Weird dreams with a visit from someone who I do not think has visited before. Or just memories. Not sure.  Kiddo is quiet. School is almost done is all I will say with any attempt to not go at this point. I kind of want to bring this pc to work to play my game and/or do some school work. I think job searching will be frowned upon on the work pc. And yep that is my next lesson. For fuck sake. I should be thankful itis easy and I will soon be done. Then the hard stuff comes. Yeah, I think I will.  Hubby has his first softball game tonight, so turkey in the crockpot and debating o...

 Gloomy outside and no will to go to work today. Trying to work through that. A little stressed about money also. I just think I need a day to myself to cry out whatever this is. Still debating. It will be cold in the office too with the AC on now. Meh I will just complain and go in. May as well save my time. I might leave after the admin meeting. But this going into the office every day shit is annoying. Maybe once we are busier, it will be better, but either way everyone leaves their shit for the end of the week to pile on me so meh.  A nice long shower might help. It is raining so I need to take the kiddo to school.  Yeah, I think I need a mental health day. Fuck it.  Yep. Made the call in. I will take the kiddo to school and go lay back in bed. I am just not feeling it today. 

 I am not too fond of Mother's day. It just seems to be a day where I want to be appreciated and it never fails to show that - I am not. Still have to do all of the things. I spent my morning meal prepping and went grocery shopping. Hubby offered to clean, but only after I bitched. As usual. Just feeling underappreciated and welp maybe I don't deserve it because maybe I am not the good mom I think I am. So, this is just a reflection of what my kids and husband think of me. And this is a very shitty feeling. Knowing my sister and brother are probably having a nice day with their mother and I am just left out of another family event, welp another very shitty feeling. Knowing my daughter is spending time with the cunt that kept me from her for many years, another shitty feeling. Not getting the only thing I wanted - an updated picture or video chat or something and welp another shitty feeling. Not entitled to these things and knowing it well fuck. Shitty feeling.  Husband waking ...

 Welp sleeping in didn't happen, but not having much going on today is nice. I finally got my period and a headache.  Last night, we went to our friend's and had a lovely night, but missed some spectacular views of the Northern Lights. Maybe if I could of stayed up later, but the glimpse we got was so beautiful. If there is another chance tonight I am definitely going to the lake.  I gotta get the kiddo at 11 and then hubby has a scrimmage. I will get some rest today while the period kicks my ass. Hopefully this headache will go away though.  Tomorrow is Mother's day. It is actually a really hard day for me because my mother is non-existent by choice and it sucks. It sucks less than it used to, but can't help but grief it a little bit. I used to take the sadness of the day, but I have come to realize that I am a good mom. When given the chance, I am the mom I want to be. Maybe not the best, but the best I can do. It is nice now for the short time too that I can be ap...

Finally did something this week. I did 20 mins on the treadmill, sweated balls and then did one set off dumbbells. At 6am. Just being awake and not in bed at that time is an accomplishment so I will enjoy my iced, protein coffee on the couch until I have to get ready.  Yesterday, I went to my in-office checks and got most of them done, only opening one more lesson instead of two which is annoying, but ran out of time. I ended up doing a PowerPoint presentation. It went very well. Our kiddo's college signing went well too. I was so happy to be included. I always think about all of the school stuff I missed with Jasmine, every fucking grade. Graduation. I get mad at myself, but I did try for a while. No pictures, no inclusion when asked just left me out of everything like that was what I wanted. Oh well. I need to let that go. We have something good now.  I also sucked it up and asked my only friend to hang out. I did say I would visit her often and I have not, so we are going t...

 Well I failed to have my in office meeting yesterday. Making the excuse that work needed me there. I just wasn't ready to be judged. I am in a mindset now that this hurdle is just annoying. I have made it this far and I just want to sign up for college classes. All of this extra work is a pain in my ass. Honestly, do I want to do more work ? Do I want to put myself through the stress? I am not sure at the moment.  My health and fitness goals are rising up a little more. Is it because it is an easier achievement ? Maybe. Do I want to live long enough to see all of this hard work pay off? Yes. Do I want to continuously push myself to exhaustion every day? No. So, just going to keep my baby steps at a steady pace and try to be patient with myself.  So, today I took off at 3 and I will go. Not ready for this Oral presentation, but I have all day to work on it. I will do okay. Hoping she will release new subjects, because now she will be off for a week. We will see. At least ...

 Last one was for some affirmations. This one will be for some thoughts and manifestation as my mind is running and I am trying to focus on where this path is going. We had a lovely day with the kiddo once we got him out of the house. It is still beautiful outside, but I am beat. Soon hubby will be putting on the t and I think I will spend some time once it gets dark to put some candles on and relax before my period comes. Apparently having your period during this time is powerful to push everything when working with the universe. So yay.  Like I said before, my seeds are planted and for the most part I am watering. Yes, I have forgot myself for a few days, but there really hasn't been time with work, home, the Syracuse weekend and now my kiddo's birthday.  Now though I can sit and think of my next steps. School work is trucking along the best it can and tomorrow I meet with the instructor for the in office checks. That will keep that train moving to hopefully finishing t...

 I welcome transformation.  I welcome growth.  I welcome abundance.  I know what I need.  I am ready. Love and positive relationships surround me.  I am grateful for the blessing in my life, big and small.  I invite the universe to help me manifest my desires.  I trust and allow my intuition to guide me to the right path.  It is safe for me to transform into my highest self.  I am planting the seeds of success and abundance. I live in the flow of abundance.  Everything is possible and available.  My mind is free of resistance and open to all possibilities.  I release old patterns and welcome new beginnings with open arms.  I am a magnet for positive energy and opportunities. With each new moon, I am more aligned with my true purpose.  I trust the universe to guide me towards my dreams and desires.  I am grateful for the chance to start fresh and create the life I desire.  I am in perfect harmony with th...

 My last baby and only baby boy is officially 13. I tried to sleep in as we all took the day off to hang out and celebrate, but cats 1, 2 and 3 weren't having it. Especially 1 and 3. So, I am up. The guys are still sleeping. Charlie of course made an appointment to have blood drawn so he should be a fucking peach all day. So, annoyed with his bullshit lately. Back to dumb fuck Charlie who doesn't think about anyone but his God damn self. Of course he just says oh no other time to do it and I really should of just left him out of the plans. No idea what is going on his brain actually nothing is going on in there and it is getting to me pretty good. I also think I need to put some more money back into my own account. This whole paycheck going into the joint account is not working for me. I should have a little of my own money for ... just in case. Not scrounging up dollars here & there to stash. So, yeah. That is where I am at right now.  But today, hopefully he can pull his...

 We ha d a perfect family weekend. Exhausting though. We only got home long enough to have some dinner and then sleep. The push to go to work today is heavy. Real fucking heavy. I took off tomorrow, but I have not had a day to myself in so long. All good though. I will go and probably just walk later as it will be a decent day outside. Not pushing myself too hard as my period is coming.  So, trying to put into motion some positive, realistic goals and aspirations for manifesting for this new moon and I am just not feeling it. I think it is okay to become content with my life at the moment. I am still pushing the school work and enjoying work - mostly. Our savings could be more, but we are on track for our goal by the end of June and really just some time to be at home is wanted at the moment. Chores, getting the yard summer ready and getting Ryan's room painted. Just some little things. Everything is slow progress, but it is happening.  I see, I feel, I know my new house ...

 After a rough day with getting things done for my son's pre birthday celebration, pms and just plain tiredness - my anxiety seems to be at a high. Up early as balls for some quiet time before I have a day of my husband being a dumbass, my son having an attitude and just plain hoping today goes better with plans. We leave for Syracuse for the weekend here in a few hours. I think most of the stress is coming from the cash flow. Yes, I put money away into savings, but after a $200 dinner, we might come up strapped a little and it is stressing me out. Bills are paid though so we will survive. I do think that cash I have hidden might be needed at some point this week, but we will see. My goal of $5k before the end of June is on track now that we are at $3k. Gotta remember the important stuff is taken care of and we will have a fun time.  I probably didn't need to order the kiddo a cake, but oh well. He seems to be having a good time so far with the start of his bday weekend and I ...

 I had no motivation to go into a crowded gym and sweat my ass off yesterday. I did walk with co-workers and that was nice. Ended up sweating so that works too. I have to become comfortable and forgiving when I just do not have it in me. The constant working out and soreness just ain't for me. I did skip the milkshake after. Tonight, might not skip dessert. At $45 bucks a person, I will be eating as much as possible lol Taking the kiddo to Wind for his birthday. A robot all you can eat sushi-Thai place.  Work today will only be a few people so yeah maybe today I will get the rest of my work done. Yesterday ended up being busy because everyone was preparing to be on a luncheon most of the day. I opted out. I think, I don't even know. Either way someone has to stay and hold down the fort, so I am okay with that.  This kiddo is trying to stay home today when he was told no more freebies after his last report card. Also, we took off for his bday on Tuesday so he can wait. Thi...

 Road trip is now planned because hubby must of felt my sadness or something and got me tickets to the new band I have been wanting to see. It is 2 hours away at a brewery, but the best part is that they have non-alcoholic brews and a brunch! So, now I am really excited to go. It is not for a month, but that is okay.  Suffered through Zumba in the hottest room ever yesterday and have decided that if it is hot, I will not be working out in that room. Nice days call for nature anyways. Walking the track and hitting my weights at home works. Especially because my fitness shit has been in the corner for too long. Also, it'll save me money. Free stuff will start soon with Fitness in the park and I also have Y classes to attend.  I was going to take off, but left work to do on my desk so - yep going in. Plus I can finish this lesson, only one thing left. After all of the work yesterday I did not have it in me. I will get it done today and submit for in office review next week t...

 Feeling in a funk. Pushing myself to go to work. My body is sore from class, my mind is tired. If I stay home, what would I do all day? Other than clean. Probably the same as I would at work. Sit and stare at a screen. I really need to do some school work. It is really foggy at the moment, but supposed to be a beautiful day. There will be others that I can take off and enjoy. Today it not that day. So, I will get ready to go. Stretch all day and prepare for Zumba.  Thinking about May and how I get paid 3 times this month and how most of it is claimed with shit that has to be handled or done. Birthday, trip, tournaments, car, regular bills. My husband annoyed me yesterday. Asked if I wanted something that he knows I really want - a phone watch, to track fitness and such. Anyways, he said there was a deal and asked if I wanted it. Um yes. The thing is, Charlie thinks that every time me or even my kiddo gets something, he gets something too and it is annoying as fuck. Especially...