Mother's Day

 I am not too fond of Mother's day. It just seems to be a day where I want to be appreciated and it never fails to show that - I am not. Still have to do all of the things. I spent my morning meal prepping and went grocery shopping. Hubby offered to clean, but only after I bitched. As usual. Just feeling underappreciated and welp maybe I don't deserve it because maybe I am not the good mom I think I am. So, this is just a reflection of what my kids and husband think of me. And this is a very shitty feeling. Knowing my sister and brother are probably having a nice day with their mother and I am just left out of another family event, welp another very shitty feeling. Knowing my daughter is spending time with the cunt that kept me from her for many years, another shitty feeling. Not getting the only thing I wanted - an updated picture or video chat or something and welp another shitty feeling. Not entitled to these things and knowing it well fuck. Shitty feeling. 

Husband waking up and not cleaning every fucking thing that needs to be cleaned and expecting me to do it and cook breakfast. Shitty feeling. My son only acknowledging me when he wanted me to make him something to eat instead of eating some of the almost $300 worth of fucking groceries by himself. Shitty fucking feeling. 

Just another shitty day. My back hurts, I am bleeding to a point where if I sit or lay funny, I will be leaking all over the fucking couch so gotta watch that. Tired, but can't sleep. I want to be grateful, but literally the only time I am appreciated around this fucking place is if I am losing my shit. I know I work this hard for myself, but I don't know. Maybe it is all for nothing. No one fucking cares. Not having a mother on Mother's day and she is alive and well is the fucking shittiest of all the feelings. Having a mother that lives in the same city as you and pretends that you do not exist to make herself feel better is the worst feeling ever. It would really only take one fucking apology from her for me to just accept it and that is because I am desperate for a mother's love. Pathetic. 

Thinking about how I wish I could apologize to my Memaw for everything knowing she would say all of the things I need and still smile with a full heart of love. Not having her in my adult life is a shitty feeling. 

I hate this day. Hopefully though these feelings are out and I can move on. 

Thinking my husband's mother liked me and learning she really hates my guts and thinks I am bad for her son - shitty feeling, but at least I know that one is just because she's a shitty mother. Hoping she does not show up here because I do not have the energy to fake nice today. But yeah - that is what is on my mind today. 

Just a sad shitty feeling that always accompanies this day. Hubby did try to cheer me up with a graveyard walk, but I am just not in the mood. 

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