41 - Ready for it.

 All night stomachache so my sleep was not the best. It is my own fault. I went for a walk after work, I played the pickleball. I made over 10k steps, had a healthy dinner. And then - I ate a whole sleeve of thin mints. My body of course instead of just pooping or puking, decided to be in pain. Still hurts little now, but coffee is a must after lack of sleep and I will need it to make it through the day. Pound class later. Work and school work. Yes, I was a slacker yesterday and did not do any school work. Math in your head is stupid. No one, absolutely no one does math in their fucking heads.  I did decide to put in for a day off. Thought about calling off today, but that is silly. Maybe. I might go to work and then leave. Especially if I have no work to do. I can do school work from home. But next Tuesday, my kiddo's birthday I will be taking off for a Mommy & baby day. The more I think about it though the less motivation I have for today. I feel so sore and worn out. I ...

 A few more days. Same goals, but I need to push a little harder. Yes, this last week I made it through 4 days or maybe even 5 of working out. Body only a little sore, but the way I ate was horrendous. Especially yesterday and now I feel like shit. And of course. Need to shit. The plan is to do an anti bloat smoothie to help my belly today. Then I made oats for the week and tacos for lunches. If I get there. My schedule is a bit off.  It is the first beautiful day in a bit so straight after work, I will be going to the track and then playing pickleball with hubby. I did not make the 6am class and honestly, I probably won't. Now if I could get up and do something at home, but in reality I love my slow, quiet mornings with coffee. Once I get the Zen Den gazebo set up, nice mornings I will be out there doing this.  It is already May and this month will be busy. A trip to Syracuse, my last baby and only baby boy's 13th birthday. We start a Monday night bowling league. Me and ...

 The name of the new song on this new band that I am just absolutely loving. This song is with one of my favorite bands, not sure I like it, but the message is there.  My body is sore, but I think I am coming into the good sore that it is and feeling pretty good about myself. Muscle is showing in my arms and if I can go without eating 6 or 7 bitesize cupcakes, more results might show. I need to make some ice cream. The weather looks like actual Spring weather next week.  Work was good and today, I think I will enjoy the quiet to get school work done. I feel like I can knock out a lot if I do not get distracted this morning. Friday afternoons are my busiest at work because that seems to be the day everyone sends me stuff to do.  5 days until May. I am going to try to keep this habit of having something to do every day. Also, the kiddo. His summer will not be sitting on his ass in his bedroom playing video games. His attitude has been so shitty and I am done with that....

 So, my expectations for yesterday were a bit let down but I did get a nice card. Today should be better, but not really counting on it now.  I actually wanted to go to a class yesterday, but ended up shopping with the kiddo for new sheets and shirts. He used my gift and that is okay. the store never has things for him and they had a ton of t shirts, so win win.  Today, Fusion kick my ass class if after work. Which reminds me that I need to pack a change of clothes.  I finished the last lesson from the last batch of them and onto the next. Math in my head needs to be done and I need to practice. Should get a bunch more today and then hopefully she will release another lesson.  Just keep going. Cus ya never know.  It is the end of the retrograde, so hopefully the emotions will calm the fuck down. Finding the new normal and how I am actually appreciated was good enough for me yesterday. Now I know to just stick to myself and to keep going. My job is great and...

 I am am actually excited to go to work today. I get to celebrate ... myself. Ha. And so with others. It should be nice.  I had a very very vivid and lingering dream today and it is bothering me. I stopped it at the part where my kitties were inside and I realized it. Too much hurt. But yeah a very small fire turned into a huge fire seen from my work of my house and well. Hoping this is one huge metaphor that we will soon be shedding this home into a new one. But. I am taking my babies with me.  Still very clear visions of that though so - pretty much a high level of anxiety going on now. A new home is my deepest desire, but I do not want it to happen out of tragedy and loss of what we have here now.  The pound class was not that bad. I am sore, but not as sore. Just got to keep moving today so I don't get super sore. Lunch walk and after dinner walk will be needed today. I did not wake up for the 6am class. I will see about Friday, but tomorrow I am doing Fusion. I ...

 My body is sore, but I am super proud of myself. Yesterday I got up and made it to the 6am class. Tonight was supposed to the be the Pound class, but I am not sure about that. Might need a rest day in between these until I get used to them. Plus I need to help the kiddo get him room settled for the new bed.  Today I am meeting at the school to get the rest of this shit cleared out - hopefully and moving onto the next subjects soon. I need to finish the program soon, I want to be in actual college classes by Fall. Or earlier if possible. Hoping for another quiet day at work. It was just very peaceful. Today though, I will work on school work. I did not do that yesterday. Trying not to burn myself out so I took advantage of the quiet boredom.  The two pairs of pants I have been missing for two months showed up yesterday. Finally. Fucking in Ryan's room and I asked him multiple times. The rest of this house needs to be cleaned too so maybe that is what I will do instead of ...

 Well I did it. I finally fucking made it to a 6am class !! Go me and happy Monday. I am always overly motivated on Monday, ask me how I am feeling on Thursday. I plan on going the Monday, Wednesday & Friday classes, but we will see. I will do my best. But it is a good feeling and the class didn't kick my ass that much. I always say that though and then the next day I cannot move. Having a berry protein smoothie and wondering how long it will take me to want or need coffee. Maybe tea later. I didn't sleep well so hoping that wall does not come too early. I want to finish my oral presentation this week and hopefully be done with these 3 lessons by the end of the week. Like done, done. No going back done and onto the next ones so I can finish this fucking program.  I can't wait to shower, but the kiddo in there and I must wait until he at least leaves for school. In which is walking. No phone or video games today. Caught him up playing at almost midnight last night - in m...

 After my last attempt to journal and it failing, I am making time while being hounded to make dinner. A pizza which my almost 13 year old is capable of doing himself. Maybe if I tell him step by step. For fuck sake. Finally sitting down after a bunch of errands. Much needed groceries, a new bed for the kid and general time with my hubby as that is how we get it these days. The weather feels like winter and my sinuses are fucking hell at the moment.  I managed to get out and work out 4 times last week. Next attempt, the 6am Core & more class. So, gearing up for another week of semi-winter weather with even a chance of snow. Why do I live here? Meh, either way today was a win. We got approved for something without having to go round & round on financing. Just up and approved. So, that was a good feeling. Not the house we want, but we put money away this week, paid bills, and still have some left so winning.  I need to finish one last lesson of school work then meet...

 Sore muscles, allergies and sunshine. Sums up my week, but a good one. 

 I really need to get into the habit of not looking on my fucking phone in the morning. Cops shot not far from us. Just a lot going on it seems lately and none of it good. But it is an election year so that is what they want you to believe. I have once again shut off socials and I will just need to stop. Cold turkey. Time to get back into focus of my goals. Hopefully my head will go more than a few days without hurting, but wondering if it is my anxiety. Maybe I should take a pill.  Paid taxes right on the very last day of needing to do so. No regrets. So far. Hoping there was a miscalculation and some money comes back. At least it didn't hurt our savings too bad.  In other news - Charlie's ex is now single and he is acting weird. It is probably me, but this morning he basically ran out of the door with nothing. No wallet, no keys, forgot trash and he still got up at 4am, so wondering what is throwing him off. Again, hopefully just an off day.  I did manage to make m...

 Ugh so sugar the cause of depression. Yep, I think that is a random fact that may be true. It makes total sense. So, how to have less? Stocking the fridge with ice cream sandwiches and real ice cream, not my best idea. An addiction I still have then. This week I get back to myself.  I went and bought some hair dye. It cost me 50 bucks - mostly because I bought a nice conditioner too. Better than 300. We will see. Same brand I used last time so I think it will be okay. Then in a couple weeks, another haircut for some bangs.  Hubby will be out in Rochester all day today so just me and the kiddo. He has his last day of bowling for his regular league and then a tournament here in Lostport. Of course the cats are acting like fools and the weather is still complete shit with added fucking barely 30 degrees.  It should be a good day though. Just me and my baby boy. I will get some cleaning done later, but I think I will see if he wants to go look for some new t-shirts. May...

 Not sure, but I may be depressed and I have no reason to be so this is bugging me. I forced myself to stay in bed and breath while the chaotic winds hit the house. I can't sleep anymore, but I am still trying to avoid the guilt - or maybe I should just let it sit there of doing nothing today. The sun is peeking out so that is helping. I got up and made a smoothie.  I did have two ice cream sandwiches and a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream. Maybe it is a sugar hangover. Or just utter disappointment in myself lately. I have had zero motivation. Also, I think I am getting depressed about the upcoming baseball season. In which my husband gets so involved with him fucking self that he forgets he has a family. A cycle I can only break if I leave or just deal with it.  So how to bring the focus back onto myself? What am I trying to achieve now that I am content? My goals are wearing me out and no one should have to live like this. In a constant strive to something. Being still is...

 Well the calling in guilt is setting in along with the what can I get done around the house shit. But I am unplugging. After this. My head has been hurting for 3 days. It does not hurt yet today, but my body hurts. My mind wants rest and weather is shitty. So, I am going to get the kiddo off to school. Go back to bed and then decide my day after some much needed rest. I have deleted the socials so I do not doom scroll all day. Hoping my fucking cats will let me rest because they have not since one puked all over at 4am. I decided after much needed rest that I will start fresh next week. Really get on it. But not every day so I do not burn myself out. Trying to keep up with my husband is stupid. One he is in his own little world and 2, I just don't have it in me. This weekend he has to go to Rochester so I think I will either take the time to do school work while the kiddo hang with his friends or hang with my kiddo.  So, on a real note. Yesterday was a busy day and honestly I...

 Light Spring rain this morning and it feels like Spring is finally arriving. Hopefully no snow warnings are coming. Yesterday, I made myself go to the school with all my nerves and get the checks done. So, now I can continue on my current lesson and try to get through this stuff. I also managed to play some pickleball with hubby. I did have to cut out of that early though because of my heavy bleeding.  I realized something yesterday though. I am pretty content. I followed up on those feelings and realized that I am where I want to be. I have a good husband, a good job and my kids stay out of trouble. My bills are paid and my kitties are healthy. I have a good routine and I shouldn't get bored with it. I should enjoy it and just keep going. That was always the plan. To have a healthy lifestyle and well here it is. Yes, kind of boring, but very much what I have always wanted. So, no more self sabotage. Just living this wonderful life I have made for myself. I am going to see if...

 Impulse buy to prove a point. Yep. Getting rid of it? Nope. It costs more. Yep. So, this new internet is all the rave in town and well I gave in and got it. Bought an upgraded package to prove that the issue is not the internet, but this stupid app my husband insists on paying 100 something bucks for every year. Well I won. Then the guy on installing was like yeah, you just need a newer firestick. So, there's that. What's done is done.  Also, I got something for myself and got a couple things for my office. I am tired of sitting in silence or only to hear the flying ants so I got a fountain and some pictures. I think I will turn the other office into my mailing space, but I will wait for a good time to ask to do that.  I am going to work early today so I can leave at 4. I am going to do Pilates. Am I feeling like it? No. AM I bleeding a LOT? Yes. But I must push myself. Honestly though I am just pretty content with life now and pushing myself stresses me out, so ? On ano...

 The tension in my neck is causing a headache and this bright ass screen is not helping. Debated calling in as I am only in for a half day anyways, but realized the last time I did was of course my time of the month and around the same time. I think I can make it a few hours. Now school work with a headache - not so sure. Was supposed to have a Zoom meeting.  Honestly not feeling very motivated for this school thing anymore. Worked my ass off for a month later to tell me I did some things wrong and in order to pass, it needs to be exactly how they want it. No leeway. Which is dumb. Then she doesn't put notes in, like yes if I got everything almost right but one capital letter, yes I want to fucking know. Who wouldn't? Also, why would you think someone would want to keep doing it over and over not knowing? Ugh. Yes, so this is hard. Trying not to completely give up, but definitely thinking school isn't on my road to whatever.  I have been off my groove and trying to think ...

Was really tired, but then the mind started running with ideas and now my stomach does not hurt anymore. I took a nice lemon, herby salt bath and literally the skin was just coming off of me. Metaphor coming to life. Today has been a whole day of that. Sign, Sign everywhere a sign was also a title I contemplated. This may take me a while at this point though because 1, I haven't typed in a bit and 2 retrograde is increasing my fucking typos.  Where to start? Well I won't go back through the last week because well, it was an okay week and took forever with the snow and cold. Today, we had sunshine. Woke up at 5 with my hubby - who keeps thinking it is cut to touch me while sleeping, thus waking me up. Getting in the habit a little of staying up only because of this new game I have been fully involved with. It has been keeping me grounded during all of the energetic chaos with the universe. Earth quakes in weird places and other shit that I really have been trying to shut out unt...

 Welcoming April in hopes that it will break the cold snap. Eclipse week is here and now until the eclipse will be intense, maybe. Hopefully not. A sign of impending change is what I am getting from a dead Seagal I saw last night. I am feeling a little more like myself even though it is pms week. So, the usually snappy is there, but I feel motivated again. To get back into my routines of fitness and school work. I did get caught up in a new video game. Coral Island. I have decided to use that as a reward if I go to the gym for an hour and get some school work done. I also decided to save the oral presentation for last in the work that I need to do. In office checks are after everything is completed - which I hate - it should be as it comes, but not just my time so I get it. So, I will do all of the other work and save that kind of shit for last so it is on my mine fresh.  Then the plan to force myself to the gym even though it is decent enough to walk the track outside. Yester...