I want to cry and don't know why

 Not sure, but I may be depressed and I have no reason to be so this is bugging me. I forced myself to stay in bed and breath while the chaotic winds hit the house. I can't sleep anymore, but I am still trying to avoid the guilt - or maybe I should just let it sit there of doing nothing today. The sun is peeking out so that is helping. I got up and made a smoothie. 

I did have two ice cream sandwiches and a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream. Maybe it is a sugar hangover. Or just utter disappointment in myself lately. I have had zero motivation. Also, I think I am getting depressed about the upcoming baseball season. In which my husband gets so involved with him fucking self that he forgets he has a family. A cycle I can only break if I leave or just deal with it. 

So how to bring the focus back onto myself? What am I trying to achieve now that I am content? My goals are wearing me out and no one should have to live like this. In a constant strive to something. Being still is just not sitting with me. I no longer feel like a house with the winds pushing on me from at all angles though. I now feel like the wind. Trying to force everything around me to just fucking move. 

A year from now I will be in a different place. Probably same routine, but looking different and feeling different. This in between drives me nuts. I seriously hate all of the effort that needs to be put in for a little change. That is my fucking problem. I need change now and no motivation to push. I need to work out more for this change. I need to eat better ALL of the time for this change. I need to keep calm and do the hard school work for this change. I have it written, planned and wanted but the true motivational want is just overwhelming. I do feel like I shed into a new skin. A skin I am comfortable in. So, now I am trying to find the chaos. That is how I work chaos vs. comfort. How do I stop that?

Just keep going I guess. 

These somatic exercises are either a new trend or a sign that I need to do them every day. So, that is where I start. Time for a good cry. Going to watch a movie. 

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