41 - Ready for it.

 I have been reading my guilty pleasure book off and on today. It has been enjoyable, but not getting my mind off of the upcoming week and everything else going on. On some good notes. Thursday next week is my graduation from the NEDP program. I guess I get to wear a gown and everything. Then pending blood testing, my annual Dr. appointment. Just need a few more docs that are waiting for the end of the month to present for the loan and hope that goes through because $500 out of pocket is about to complete transaction.  I let it go most of the day, but before fixing dinner my kiddo asked if we could look at the pics again. So, we all pulled it up and tried to decide where our stuff would go. It was so enjoyable. Then the guy finally replied that he was putting together our loan packet and now needing a few more docs. Easy enough to get after finally getting ahold of someone at M&T.  I think I had some nightmares about that place last night.  So, decided to come to...

 The song most recently in my head over and over is by a new band that I am obsessed with. How could you go wrong with a metal/rock reggae band? You can't!  Aurora Wave "Turn the Page" Not only is it the most recent from my new favorite bank but this song is my new anthem. Ready for a new chapter. We all are. Ready for more room and just that good change feeling. This new house is what we need. What we want. And what we have been working our asses off for. Of course without instant answer my mind is running at 100 miles per minute and this retrograde is a time to settle emotions and move into the calm. Working on it.  Today is not Sunday so that is a plus. Another day off with my guys and impending snow coming. Everywhere south of us is supposed to get it so not to worried. Hoping for a fluffy layer though for that sign of the new season and chapters headed our way.  I really hope the lessons in life are after we move in and we get that new home owner initiation. Rea...

 We will find out which one of those things soon enough. I have gathered our first round of what I assume many for the documents to provide for a loan in hopes, prayers, dreams, and anything else that this gets us the loan to move in. I jumped up and down when we saw my son's grandpa after the news and he went to realtor mode and said " don't get to excited until we have the closing date" so of course panic set in. Calmer today as I was able to get back into the M&T system and get my info from there.  I also discovered a scary site where all of my employment history including pay was stored. Downloaded for free with no real verification other than my social. Not sure how I feel about that. Now we all sit around like wtf do we do. Other than my kiddo screaming at Fortnite. We have bowling later and after discovering Charlie's ex being a little shady we are up $135 more than we thought. Discovered after bills we will be a bit broke this week due to the $500 insp...

 Holy shit, I still can't believe it, but if anything rips this away from us we will be devastated. Our offer was accepted, between quiet hell yes in the office, jumping up and down with my hubby in the drive way because we got home at the same time and took a moment together before telling our kiddo at the same time. Once we got upstairs I yelled at him stern to end calls and get off video games, then we all hugged, cried and celebrated our win. Last night was probably my favorite dinner. We always eat together, but even after we finished we sat and talked. It was a feel good moment from the outside looking in. Thank you God, universe, spirit guides and everything else that help put this into motion.  $500 for the inspection hurts a little, but we expect some big money to come out of pocket and this will show our seriousness. Monday wasn't soon enough for the seller, but it will have to do. The barn is coming down, but not completely removed, not sure how I feel about that, b...

 So another day of BS at work with a surprise union meeting with no fucking answers and then some more BS from HR. I am over it now, but it doesn't want to seem to go away. Retrograde doing it's best already.  Speaking of that - yeah we put in a bid on a house out in the sticks a little. I feel in love with the yard, balcony decks, and front porch. It is completely redone and not too big. Now we wait while I 2nd guess. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I don't think I will be too upset as Christmas is coming and this would hinder that completely. Even though I have missed my far drives to work for the pure moments of alone time, other than that. I hate it. My big question though - is it big enough? The 4th room ended up not even being big enough for my desk so there's that. But the room downstairs and the master make up for that completely. Yeah not sure what I am thinking. It felt like home. WILLOW TREES. 5 of them if I counted right and little fairy areas in the y...

 Here I am trying to do my lectures for class and on and on about being a decent person in the professional setting. Brings me back to last week and even though I want to move on, they aren't so where do I go or how do I get to a point where I am not fucking getting pissed about it anymore.  Compromise over compliance - HR and my boss has clearly missed a lot in that chapter of life. So, I get done with my school work and a very long anxiety driven day of bowling, house looking, hunger, and spending too much money at a new restaurant that was not that great and think ... fuck gotta go back to that place tomorrow. The issue was dropped and they came in weeks later to drudge it back up in hopes that I would just nod and smile. Fuck that. Now I am just annoyed and even more so by the boss who instead of backing me up bought me a copy and said deal with the hits also.  Then in deep thought about needing more money for this amazing house and probably won't get it due to a barn...

 I got to work yesterday with a pumpkin spiced latte on my desk and a note with a Rocky quote. " It's not how hard you get hit, but how hard you hit and mover on" Or some shit. From the pussy who didn't stand up for me. Who instead let me get called a problem and had to deal with having my spirit crushed. The latte was good, but I really couldn't even drink it out of just still feeling down.  I went to my Dr. appointment and that seemed to go well and back there to be quiet and work. Another house popped up and unless it is bigger than it looks, I am not too interested, but we have moved our search outside of this city so that makes me happy. We will be looking at two tomorrow. The older one seems to be calling me more than this other one even with it's kitty outdoor space. Without knowing about our raises, just not in the mood. But excited some new houses popped up. There is hope still for that. I got into my new class book also and even though it sucks a lit...

 Thinking about my goals and how this should be a laid back job to get me to the big ones, I should be thankful. I can read my books and study to my hearts desire. Today I will get plenty of time to do some work in the expensive ass book I bought and really start digging into it. I am counting it too, self taught or not - it counts as a class.  I have my health and family to be thankful for. Even though I have been slacking on the working out, my health seems to be in good shape and I have taken the steps to get there. Today I have a gyno appointment. Finally. I have been putting that one off, but maybe they can shine some light on this perimenopause shit. So, thankful that this place lets me change things around so I can take care of my health even though they are half the reason I have been sick and just down in the dumps.  Tonight is date night with honey and we will bowl then maybe grab a bite to eat - I am thinking Wendy's nuggets and a Frosty. Not sure why, but that...

 So, I was above it for quite a bit, but here I am. Realizing that I really just don't mean shit at this place of employment and really should just get it out of my head that I will ever work at a place where I matter. Where I am making a difference and where there are people who truly care if I am there or not. That is it. After the meeting yesterday, I was left feeling smaller than ever and really it is taking me a lot to get up and go there today. Maybe you can like your job and not who you work for. Maybe not. I just need to learn the take it and shut up shit and well anyone that knows me knows that is probably my biggest default. I am not a take it and shut up person, but I can be polite and professional. That was the lesson of the day anyways. So, I will be polite and not try to make friends. No one is your friend at your place of work. No. One. Managers really don't give two fucks about you and HR is there for them. Sad finding this reality where I am now.  So, the perk...

 Wondering how to go into work without a shit ass attitude. I did it yesterday. Even got all dressed up and feeling good ... then work happened. I was trying not to bitch about it, but I am me and ugh just need some control. Just kind of sick of no one responding to our clients and then when saying something about any fucking thing in this office - reprimanded by HR every fucking time. I have decided to talk to the union to see about maybe them backing me up, but at this point I need to keep my head down until I finish school. So, HR meeting today I will do my best to say okay whatever you say and move on. Easier said than done, but nothing much I can do. I will do my best to apply that to the toxic ass place. Also, everyone I work with is two faced and I really trust no one so there's that. Feels familiar like M&T, not sure what I can do different here. I backed down there and did my job in silence while that bitch lied to my face too. That is probably what I need to do. Not t...

 I need to release some things while Aquarius is making it's way into our lives for the next 20 years. I think if my intuition is telling me right is - I need to release the old me and just keep going at this amazing path I am on now. It feels right. I feel something inside that wants out. but not really sure what it is. Probably sadness. Depression always lingering. I release that. I release anything that brings me down.  I should probably write this more than type. Just feel it has more meaning when written.  Either way - I think I need a good cry. Finally release all of this abandoned emotion. For Good. I am aware on how to set up the next 20 years of my life. It will include love and partnership from my husband. It will include my kids joining us in our new house. It will include me finishing and continuing school until I am a full time advocate for family law.  All of the hard work I have been putting in is paying off. I am thankful for my life, my family, my jo...

 I believe I am done for the week, well minus one assignment that I just remembered and should probably be outlining. So let me do that ....  Ah okay I answered those questions. I don't want to be an overachiever and give myself some time to make sure these items are what I want to submit. So everything is ready. They just need a final review and then I can. Hitting 100% for all assignments these last few weeks has been pretty awesome and even though my last instructor told me not to aim for perfection. I am not really. I just like learning and I am proud of myself to doing okay. All the worry about being older and doing everything online has slipped away.  My instructor for the legal class - well his office should be receiving an affidavit and letter from our office so that was fun. Wonder if my name will go across his desk? Maybe, but probably not. His firm seems a bit more than ours. I did make a booboo of letting people know I make a bit more than some and well even t...

 Nov. 19th - the day that sets my next 20 years into motion and I am feeling lighter. 16 years of karmic bullshit I put myself through due to immaturity and just laziness is finally lifting. I can feel it. I am thankful for my life and I can't wait to live with this mindset for the next 20 years. I am doing all of the things I dreamed of.  Dancing in the kitchen with my hubby yesterday and that was the moment I felt it all coming together. All of the heartbreak, gone. He is the one. I have amazing kids. I have a good job even if it is stressful at times, but it is leading me down a path I can truly stay on and enjoy my career. School is going great and even if/when it gets harder. I am doing it and I love it! Our beautiful house is in the near future.  I am not sure about the news I will get from the union members today as they are still in negotiations, but I am good where I am now. My work is important and I enjoy it. I've decided not to complain about the other recepti...

 So, I have been reading this book and clearly it is making me think which I think is the point because I need grit to get through the damn thing. Interviews with other people, thoughts on others research and calling it research - no actual thoughts on the matter or if there is - well getting to the point is fucking hard. But here I am up early because it was bugging me enough to write about it. So, it must be working. Yes, what are my passions in life, but really it is just making me not really realize but pointing out yet again, I do not think like others. I believe in the universe and trying to follow that flow, but yes hard work has been fueling my success this last year or so and well there is theory in all theories.  Work is fucking stressful to the point of just politics and playing nice. I do not want to play nice. I want to go in, do my job and only my job, talk with the people who make my day pleasant and fucking leave. I love my bubble and well playing nice with som...

 So, I am off tomorrow so I can actually go see my kiddo bowl on a Sunday. Waking him up soon. I just checked my schedule for school and there isn't a whole hell of  a lot due. So, depending on the lectures that may be where most of my time is taken up. So, maybe the holiday is counted during online school.  On another note, there is a grad ceremony next month for that dreadful high school diploma program. I plan to go, but the boys want to go and well I am still a little embarrassed about the over 40 just graduating thing. I get a gown. Something about putting that thing on makes me well up with prideful tears. Continuing this journey has been good for me. It gives me a sense that I am doing something good with my life. Finally. Purpose. Not sure where it will lead me because everything is so up in the air these days, but I am just going with the flow.  I do know that if they try to make me to intakes at work, I will definitely be looking for a new place quicker. Ki...

 I saw a house and even though it looks likely we can make a good deal on it. Something isn't sitting right. Probably the area that it is in or well close to. I was hoping it was in a bit more of a quiet area on the other side of town, but it looks to be close to to what we call the hood area. Not sure how it will be especially if we are the only actual house on the block and the rest are apartments. I think we will still go see it, but it also seems the boys aren't into it so I do not know. I just happened to look and see some new houses posted and some even went down. It really is block by block in the city though so we gotta be careful especially because everyone comes out in the summer time.  Figures though. Also the neighboring property is extremely close and hubby mentioned snow coming down into our driveway from their roof. That is all I see now. My voice seems to be back other than shit catching in it. I might be on the brink of feeling better. Another weather change i...

 Guess fucking what? After covid testing, flu testing, and strep testing. NOTHING. Yet, I am coughing my brains out, can barely talk, and feel like fucking hell. So, thank you America. Pharm is at an all time high though because both Charlie and I have been fully dosed with medicine. Is it helping? Not yet. Oh yeah Trump is president again. Yes, I voted. That is all I will say about that.  I am getting through school work and my first essay may not be as much of a disaster as I thought yesterday after typing the rough draft. So, that is going okay. The discussion part is still hard, but I am doing what I can.  I am going to try and finish up another draft of the essay today and do my last assignment in the other class. Then I should be set for the week other than submitting the essay. I am off on Monday so that will be a nice head start to the school work. Pretty sure as soon as I feel somewhat human again, I will get my period. If I do not get it before so that is fuckin...

 Another round of this shit and I am home again because going to work would be difficult. I need to get better before tomorrow though as I cannot take off anymore work for this shit. I have to take the kiddo to bowling later and go look at that house.  PMS is here so I am just in a shit ass mood. School work is flowing okay, but I couldn't get into much today. Luckily I did what needed to be done yesterday and just submitted today. Hoping today is the worst of it because my Dr's office isn't even fucking open on a Monday. It is cold in this house. Hoping the heater guy can fix some shit soon.  I just need a better month than last month. The holidays are coming and trying to save money is fucking beyond us right now. We are just paying our normal bills too. What are we thinking looking at houses? Oh yeah, we are ready to move on from this place. We are ready to move into our own house. I will power through this shit.  I did try to take a hot bath last night and ended ...

 Welp I have deteriorated my damn immune system to nothing again and here I am with the same exact shit as a couple weeks ago. It probably never left. Missing my kiddo's bowling hoping to get enough rest to be healthier tomorrow so I can do with him to that and his tournament. I have missed all of those so far.  We did not get chosen for the house we put a bid in so the search continues. We have one later today, but it is not in the school district we want. Honestly, if we like it enough it will do. The heater situation is still up in the air, but she finally sent some people to look at it so yay I guess.  My school work for the short week is complete and I need to feel better by tomorrow because the harder work begins. A 550 word essay and a system I am not familiar with. Nervous.  I think I should stop worrying and go lay down though. I need to try to get some more rest.  I just wanted to journal some goals or manifestations for the new month.  We will fi...