41 - Ready for it.

 Maybe not, but it is nice to think about and I can't stop thinking about my friend's house that is for sale. Wishing she would bring it down a bit as it is not worth as much as they are trying, but in these market days, they could actually get asking. So, brings to question are we ready? Not quite and that bothers the fuck out of me. What if another opportunity presents itself and we aren't ready ... fucking again. This is not the first time it has happened. There was a beautiful green house down the street that would of been perfect and another missed time. Yes, I know things happen in their own due time, but also after the work has been put in and doors will open. Well, we aren't doing it. Mostly him, but some me because at this time I just feel he does not want it as bad as me and it is just making me so mad these days.  I am currently sick as fuck the last few days. Started on Saturday, but he was determined to go to his friend's party. I should of opted out. D...

 It is official. My hips have entered an era of pain. I have been lazy this morning as my little niece did not need to be taken to school. I stayed in bed passed 8. I told the kiddo he was on his own this morning. He pissed me off. It was quiet and I spent a little time watching tv. I then decided hmm, maybe I can get some school work done so I told the kiddo while it was quiet, I will be doing a quiz. He then proceeded to hop on the phone with his friend and start being loud. Fucking raged. He has all of this fucking time after school to play and be obnoxious, yet he always waits until I need quiet or we are in bed. I told him not to ask me for shit today. No rides to and from school. At this point I am pretty much done going out of my way and feeling bad for it. He has no respect for us. I did get some more work done and more work came back. Another 100%. I decided last night though to do a quick run through of the quiz without overanalyzing it. Just to see where I might be at .....

 Long ass day and here at the end determined not to allow my sister's drama. My drama. Not sure what exactly is going on as you never get the entire story from her, but just not getting into it. Trying. Tonight I didn't go bowling with my husband because ... boundaries. I think I am doing good with those all around. Still thrown off by my daughter's thing yesterday and well took the motherly boundary today. All up in her business. Fuck it. Work was fucking busy as hell and I am hoping that was because people who will be gone the rest of the week were trying to get shit done before. Wow another Bills touchdown. Hubby said if they lost and the Bengals did too, he would win 600 bucks. Welp maybe the Bengals will. But they are winning too. So, anyways. I did not go to Zumba. I decided to do some school work and got a lot done and an outline that I have been trying to do for a bit now. It is due this week so I really need to stick with these topics and not 100% yet. I did go off...

 That deep down shit. That shit push deep down. The shit you went through and were told to just deal with it as this is life and life puts you through the ringer. Well. What happens when you are on your merry way and that repressed trauma decided to surface like a body thought to be sunk to the very bottom of the fucking ocean. Trauma that makes you think, oh fuck, I did go through something. It was something and please put it back.  Feeling some type of way this morning before I start in on my school work for the week. Trying to bring that focus back, but this morning was hit with a be careful what you wish for situation with my daughter. I knew something was up, but I suppose I guessed wrong maybe. Still feel a little of her bitterness for not being able to help her out, but in my healing, I am learning boundaries and well. Sometimes you just have to go through it. That is how you learn. These new situations of adulthood, well that one makes sense, but the things she brought...

 Before I take the kiddo to bowling and then watch my hubby play baseball, I figured I would take a moment for myself. After that is grocery shopping, meal prep and house cleaning. So yeah. I went to Zumba this past Thursday and bowled the day after. My body hurts. Good times. With that boost of needing to get back into fitness. We joined the Y again. I decided I will do more classes there or just go there. I am out of shape.  I did decide to celebrate and treat myself for my good grades. I bought a pair of boots on clearance and an outfit for work. I did not enjoy trying them on, but I decided if my grades are over 90%, I will treat myself with some new clothes instead of food. Other than trying to get back into shape and clothes not fitting I realized that some clothes I have had for over 10 years. Like before I met Charlie. So, I am slowly going to swap. Still trying to avoid dying my hair with all of these greys coming in, but I will deal with that for a while. These boots...

 I won't have much time today and probably none tomorrow. I need to grab things for my dip day at work very fucking early in the morning tomorrow. This morning, I need to try and do something with the head of curls from sleeping with my hair wet. Hopefully I can straighten it out. School is going a little slower with more tasks this week, but I am pretty much on track. I did buckle down and catch up to where I should be yesterday. Keeping a schedule is good. If I can get through it today at work then I can go bowling with the boys tonight. We will see though. Work was fucking hectic yesterday. I could of used a little more sleep, but got better sleep than the night before. I will catch up eventually. 

 So, some after thought when coming to an argument about a grade. Yes, it was valid, but I am supposed to be open to learning, even if I do not agree with the grading system. So, releasing some of my stubborn ways, opening myself up to criticism and feedback. Everything doesn't need a push back. I am not arguing a point in these classes. Those will come. So, there is that.  I stayed up too late watching the Eagles lose so now I must caffeinate, shower, and go to work. Another morning where our leaders are not present. Probably fucking us some more within the union. Hoping to use the morning to write my discussion and work on some of my school work. Also realizing that I need to be taking this time to myself. I do not need to go watch my husband bowl. That is what he chose to do with his extra time and it is supposed to give me time for school work. I should use it. Hopefully I can talk the boys into going tomorrow, but we are broke and we are supposed to be getting used to bei...

 Something should be calling to me and these feelings need to be sorted. Powerful full moon with an eclipse and I was paying attention to dreams. Only thing is, they are about sex so moving on from that. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that my husband just isn't that into it. And honestly, neither am I. The energy and effort is lost on me these days. Especially when my partner just doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. I did bring up the celebration thing last night on our walk. He didn't have much to day, but I wonder if he actually heard what I was saying.  I do not have to take my niece to school everyday and that is nice break. I like my slow mornings. The kid is patiently waiting for me to take him to school, but again. I am not offering. He chose not to clean dirty dishes from his room and woke me up at midnight with his gaming bullshit. I had very little quiet time for school work yesterday also because of his loud mouth. So, no. My answer is n...

 Well this past week was rough. It is still 80 degrees and no fucking AC because I assumed we would be entering the cool fall zone. My week ended with the college trying to play games with my transcripts. I fought hard and by the next day was able to get back into my classes. I was so pissed off and depressed. But all is good and nothing was missed. I was in panic made about getting behind because all of my work from this week was completed. I just did a final check and tomorrow new lessons drop. School work is definitely time consuming and I think I need to work a better schedule. Work was busy too, so that doesn't help as I never know when it will be there. Some days are quiet as fuck and other days I get lost trying to figure out what to do first.  Anyways, spent the afternoon in the heat with my sis, watching my nephew tough it out in the heat. He is going to be good if he keeps this up. I really hope he does. My kiddo started bowling and that was fun to get back into. Som...

 Why am I up this early? Well since like 5ish. I completely forgot to get coffee and well if I forget no one else remembers. Not having someone to share the mental load is the worst and I fucking hate it. I don't want someone to tell me what to do and I do not want someone that I constantly need to tell them what to do in order to fucking fucking every day life. Such an easy stressor in my life that could be avoided if I had a better partner. Just frustrated.  He wants to go to some Bills tailgate party and I do not. We have been doing this a lot lately. I just want to be at home hanging out, trying to relax. I am a bit fried with school and work. He is fucking wired to be everywhere but home so, there's that. Every time I bring anything up now, it is just me bitching and honestly not even worth it for nothing to change. Not even sure what to do about it at this point. I am just going to keep focusing on me and he can just go be lost in his own little world as fucking usual. I...

 A much needed day to myself other than the kitties taking turns in my lap. Big boy Baxter is first apparently. I do have some bad cramps so I think I will take it easy and try to rest. Read, play my games. A true rest day. We will see because there is a lot around this house that needs to be done also.  I noticed some grades and feedback are ready to be viewed in my English class. I am not sure I am ready for that yet. So, school work also, but I have it planned out pretty good and should get a lot done today. I probably won't sleep anymore, but will try for another early bedtime. That was nice even if I couldn't sleep right away. I really need to figure out this tiny desk situation. There is just not a lot of room on here.  Maybe if I find a decent one for the kid, he will give me my bigger one back. That is probably the easiest way. So, maybe that is where I will start today. With this desk situation and see about putting more of my books elsewhere :( Having a pile sta...

 So, one of my assignments this week is to dig a little into past experiences of reading and writing along with how it makes me feel. I have always loved writing, but today. Today I remembered why. My Memaw. Always encouraging me to read and finding the good, silly, adventurous books. Reminding me that I can always get away in a book. Remembering reading with her and how much I used to love the Frog and the Toad books. Remembering scaring a teacher so bad in high school with a story I basically plagiarized from a Fear Street book I was reading - again obsessed with series and then becoming the series. Glad I stopped after that because I am not Dexter. Anyways, just remembering some good times with someone I miss so fucking much it hurts. Thinking about this college thing and how it was always my dream and it was my Memaw who always let me know I could do anything. If I tried. So glad to be finding myself again, but honestly so very sad about the wasted time. The time I could of had...

 Game day on a Friday to kick off the season and I am ready. My profile picture on Facebook can't be changed, but I have my gear on. As if I didn't already do casual Fridays, we are now allowed to I guess. A meeting earlier this week has been on my mind and I am still wondering wtf the point of the union is. The place still runs like a corporate mess and some of the topics are just not that important. In the end everyone wants to be paid more and to work from home. So, there's work in a way this week.  School, well I feel other than probably typos because if I do not push these keys hard, I am making them. I got through the icebreakers and discussions, which was the hardest for me. Connecting with people. Definitely a huge range of people, but what I did notice is that it does not seem to be any men. All women of varying ages, even some that are much older than me. I hope they all stick it through because it is nice to see. There is even someone doing legal admin studies so...

 Gotta love anxiety and a husband that wakes up way to fucking early. Today is the first official day of school and I am ready. The work is in and I think I will do alright, at least to start with. So 4am and finally decided I wasn't going back to sleep at about 5:30. Hubby was about to go to work without a shower after working out for a hour n half. Ugh.  Getting the boy up should be easy enough because his anxiety is where mine is coming from. I just want him to have a great school year. I wish for him that the negative attitude leave his body and that he really embraces being an 8th grader.  So, do I go through the lectures? Do I work out? Do I go back to bed for a hour before getting the kiddo up? Well going back to bed will put me on less motivated. My back has been hurting so not sure I want to trigger that, but might get some in.  I should make it productive somehow. So, lecture it may be while having coffee. Some good stretches. getting the kiddo out of the d...

 Or so that is the plan. Looks like school will be more time consuming then planned, but I think I will enjoy it. As long as I can do well. We shall see. It is a lot of work and like anything worth it, hard work. So, officially since last night I am a student. With work assignments that seem to be called assessments and all.  Tomorrow I get to juggle the kiddo in the morning. I will enjoy my last peaceful morning. I slept like shit and did not want to get up myself, but I decided not to work out so here I am. Baby steps. At this point I need to just move off my butt hourly and eat better. A quick workout later will need to fit in. Honestly, getting up to do it is rough and not for me.  So, my first big essay is about why I choose the degree and how it will change my life once received. I have been thinking on that. It is nice because I can work on that and the other weekly assignments seem to go hand in hand to get it done. My other course is computer work but basically p...