Trauma

 That deep down shit. That shit push deep down. The shit you went through and were told to just deal with it as this is life and life puts you through the ringer. Well. What happens when you are on your merry way and that repressed trauma decided to surface like a body thought to be sunk to the very bottom of the fucking ocean. Trauma that makes you think, oh fuck, I did go through something. It was something and please put it back. 

Feeling some type of way this morning before I start in on my school work for the week. Trying to bring that focus back, but this morning was hit with a be careful what you wish for situation with my daughter. I knew something was up, but I suppose I guessed wrong maybe. Still feel a little of her bitterness for not being able to help her out, but in my healing, I am learning boundaries and well. Sometimes you just have to go through it. That is how you learn. These new situations of adulthood, well that one makes sense, but the things she brought up this morning. The shit she had to go through because I was not there. Well. That is a different parent fail. A fail I still can't forgive myself for and always wonder what if. What if I stayed? What if I worked harder? What fuckin if ? 

Then there is a point where I am like hmm. We have reconciled but fully? Just keep asking me for shit and well - again I am learning boundaries so I need to press them. Random thought has my sis asks me for shit, but also, you do all of the work and I do nothing but please fix this. Anyways, I set a time and she come here. If she cannot do that then it is not in the schedule. Ugh put it int he schedule. Twice - we will see. Time to start no my school work and well still thinking of this morning, but I really do not have the time to cry about that. Wish I could schedule those. 

Okay need to start my day.