41 - Ready for it.

 My kiddo's first unofficial day of summer as I am not making him go for the half day. I tried to sleep in after he kept me up until after midnight, but wasn't happening. Sometimes I want to go back to sleep just to jump back into the dream I was in. This one was interesting. Straight hippy, living in a van, seeing the country shit. My retirement plan.  This week of work and the stress of being "retrained" on Thursday will be great cause for the vacation I took next week. Fuck it. Probably should of waited until later in the summer, but I have sick days too. Plus I am in much need of just waking up to enjoy the day and nothing else. So, that is what I intend to do.  Today, though. Let's worry about that. I got some things done in my lesson for the schooling. Today I need to write it all and make sense of it. Then that one will be done and I can work into these power point presentations.  Uber broke this week due to my insistent need for more bird food and it being...

Hair dye in my hair finally - still need a cut. But some time to myself so that is nice. For the couple hours it will be. Last night we had a scare with Charlie's new blood pressure machine and I am hoping maybe now he will take things more seriously about being healthy. Maybe. But it scared us both. Same previous plan, but need to pull through. And our kid heard us loud and clear bumping uglies so there is that. Oh fucking well. I needed some.  Honestly though at the moment - yes I know things happen as they should but regrets of how I treated someone - an X games inline skater in fact. I never thought he would be into me even though we spent a lot of time together and he was romantic, but my young silly self hating self didn't want to believe it. Anyways, regret as he posts back stage views of our favorite band The Used. So, yeah. Looking at myself this morning and seeing the hard work and beauty I have ... just still have that stupid voice in the back of my head. I have been...

 So, feeling some sort of light at the end of this funk. Thank you full moon. Last night was a good night of being outside, gathering with some decent people, listening to a storm from a far and enjoying the beautiful moon. Reminding me to be thankful for the things I have as my life is not bad.  Looking at my body and seeing how far I have come inside and out. Thankful for that the most. Yes, I could be moving my butt in a workout, but my mental health comes first so back to my basics of what makes me feel better. So, journaling. Music and yes getting back to my workouts will be helpful. So, I need to focus on that.  Instead of being upset about the retraining bullshit - just need to go with it and remember not to up and leave when pissed off. Lesson learned. No one really cares about you at work, so I am thankful that I have my time to myself there and can get school work done, color, listen to music and overall that I have a decent job close to home to go to. I do need...

 There has been a lot on my mind and really have just felt defeated, confused, lost and overall - not depressed but ... well all of the other words mentioned. Hoping journaling will help sort some of this shit out, but really - am I in the same place to figure out where I went wrong last time? Is it as bad as I think? Why do I fucking care so much? How do I stop? No fucking time to work out. School sucks. Work is annoying but tolerable. Even though rumors went straight to the head of the place so now - maybe people won't talk to me anymore. Do I care? Not really. People you work with are not life friends. That lesson has been learned. I did learn my place there and more training is to take place. Just gotta keep my head down and mouth shut until I get this certificate and then I will be moving on. That has been decided. Even though this fucking program is killing me. God please help me through it. Then will school be worse? Will I suck at that too? IS this my path? I have no fuckin...

 Pre-menopause, PMS, lack of sleep, depression or whatever it is this week. It has been a very hard week mentally and I am down for the count. Yesterday, I might of fucked up a job I do like. Mostly. I walked out. Just wasn't having the office bitch treat me like I do not know what I am doing. I had a sinus or stress headache. Just wasn't my day. Or week. Trying to get out of this funk wondering where the fuck my life needs to be going has been very difficult. Plus with rumors of the office's merging, I wonder how much I will be needed. Plus school work, plus a busy fucking after work schedule. I have had my fill. So, as my husband prepares for a garage sale because he can't just hang out at home & relax, I am sitting here trying to figure it out. After another disappointment with him.  He has been up since 7 - two hours - knew we needed creamer and did not get any for coffee. Also, instead of going to get creamer, he wanted to go buy coffee ... we would still need ...

Kind of... I am awake. Yesterday, I did all of the things, but work out. I think the heat sweat some things out anyway. Work was hectic. So, prepared for another day of that. Tonight, we have a nice dinner at a fancy place for the boys Championship Dinner for bowling in a tournament that they placed in. That should be a nice time.  The healing new moon. Or something like that. Always brings emotions of my family and Charlie's family and the hurt from it all. I need to let it go. Thunderstorms should happen at some point today.  I started the new lessons and went to do the corrections. Stupid shit too like a fucking typo in one and not paying attention to the fucking question in the other. So, I need to slow down and pay attention.  I think that is the moral of the story ...  I am still tired and have no coffee because we have not had time to run to the store. Green tea with honey it is. I have plenty of coffee at work.  Not much else to say at the moment. Just s...

 Yesterday was a little hectic mostly because I expected it to not be. Doing phone calls now isn't the worst, but mistakes were made. Walk-ins are just ... annoying. No sense of security, people just walk in and expect you can help when we aren't a social services offices, we are a law office. So, a meeting at my request well hopefully that is what it is, if not I will be bringing it up. At this point, I feel like I want into these work from home places more than ever. Might start seeking it out. For my own peace of mind. Not sure I will get paid too well, but we will see.  School. Well that is another thing, but we will see as I am scheduled to go there today after work. I got pretty upset yesterday for having to go redo my paper work and then she was like oh btw we have to mark some more stuff wrong and I just went off. Then she says oh this program is a 6 month to a yr program and I went off. I was told 8 weeks. I have put in the work. They are slow at correcting shit and I...

 Finally, with the help of flowing water on a trail, beautiful sounds of waterfalls and no snakes. I was able to reset, rethink and come up with a new plan. Of NOT giving up. Yesterday, was perfect. A long drive away, we found a hike, talked, ate good food and enjoyed a fucking amazing new band. Thank you Aurorawave!  So, on that note. Some other things were noticed on our little trip. I can go out and have a beautiful time still without drinking. Almost two yrs now. So, good job. My hiking pictures ... I for probably the first time ever - the hard work of eating as healthy as I can and exercising - it is showing. Lastly, it is time to just buckle down and get this stupid GED shit done and over with. If I want it, then it has to be my full focus. No more gaming after work. No more zoning out to the fucking apps on my phone. Buckle down and get it done. Make the time. Weekends too if needed, but not to a point of burn out. So, I reset and have a new plan.  Work might be to...