Can I Get it out?

 There has been a lot on my mind and really have just felt defeated, confused, lost and overall - not depressed but ... well all of the other words mentioned. Hoping journaling will help sort some of this shit out, but really - am I in the same place to figure out where I went wrong last time? Is it as bad as I think? Why do I fucking care so much? How do I stop? No fucking time to work out. School sucks. Work is annoying but tolerable. Even though rumors went straight to the head of the place so now - maybe people won't talk to me anymore. Do I care? Not really. People you work with are not life friends. That lesson has been learned. I did learn my place there and more training is to take place. Just gotta keep my head down and mouth shut until I get this certificate and then I will be moving on. That has been decided. Even though this fucking program is killing me. God please help me through it. Then will school be worse? Will I suck at that too? IS this my path? I have no fucking idea anymore. Sit back and enjoy life. Well I can't. My husband is opening more credit cards instead of helping me save money. Probably best we barely see each other during the week because I honestly do not want to be around him. How do I stop giving a shit so much about what other people do? I am worrying about myself. Trying my best to eat right, work, work out, do school work, keep a clean house blah fucking blah. I just want to go off the grid and not have a care in the world. 

So, how do I work out this above shitty bullshit of a funk? Not sure. The full moon is coming and letting go would be nice of some recent events, but someone tell my mind that! I just hate that every fucking step I take there is something in the fucking way. For every fucking thing I am trying to accomplish. Buy a house, struggle saving and being on the same page with my husband who clearly gives no fucks about anyone but himself. School - not getting this done by the end of June because of endless redos over slight misunderstandings and lack of staff to get things done quicker. My kiddo and his ability to not make good decisions when he is bored and summer coming up. Not enough money or will to put him into programs the whole summer. Work just feeling a bit of dread every day I have to go there. Where is the root of all of this? Why am I so unhappy? Well ... One - I have not had much time to myself lately. A kitty on each side and one inn my lap right now helps today, but really how much time have I taken for myself? I like going to my husbands baseball/softball games but when he stupidly opens a new credit card without telling me and me finding out by the credit report - well why do I make it a priority anymore? Then when I get time to myself, what is the best way to do something? Journaling today. Gaming last night. Where was the work out? it is 100 degrees in NYS. So yes that is my excuse. I am not my husband who can go play two games in the heat and then go to work the next day. That alone makes me disappointed in myself. 

So, yes sitting in the AC today until I take the kiddo and his friend to a movie. Struggling not to be anxious and mad at the world. Trying to figure out where it is coming from. My house is clean. Why ? Bribed the kid with a day off from his last days of school to stay home and clean it because I did not want to go out inn a thunder storm to take his ass to school. Oh well. Put $500 away but might need to pull some out because we are running very low on funds and the kiddo has bowling tonight. Worries I worry about and no one else. 

I think I will shower now and just try to wash this feeling away and go have some fun with my kiddo is this shitty ass heat.