41 - Ready for it.

 Here we are. Officially the end of the year and the very last day of 2024. All I can think of is as hard as it was, I have a LOT to be thankful for. Gratitude is just filling me and I can't think of the bad stuff. I graduated and got my high school diploma finally. I started & completed my first semester of college! I can't wait for that the next year brings, but I won't change much other than my self doubt. I am living the life I have always wanted. I am in college furthering my education. I have a great husband and amazing kids. My kitty babies are my comfort and soon we will be in a house. An effort and accomplishment I never thought would happen.  Yesterday, I think the stress got me and a little bit of fear. I yelled at a couple people. A lot of money is going into this that I was not prepared for or do not understand. Still don't, but if this is truly meant to be then it will happen. Just gotta keep going. A little overwhelmed with that thought. I just need t...

 Other than this blog for the past year. I am releasing some major things this New Black Moon and I am going to do it as proper as I can. I need everything 2025 has to offer and I am going to put my best efforts to accomplish my goals.  I have the list ready to be burned and when the moon peaks at 5ish this evening, I will be ready to burn it with my full intentions for this upcoming year. I let myself fall off the health and fitness path, but I am going to get back on it. Little by little. Mental health first. Leaving behind self doubt and thinking that I am fat. Because I am not. A little out of shape, but not gross. I need to stop thinking that I am not worthy of the things in my life. No matter how they came to me, I deserve a good life and I have worked hard for it. I will continue to do so. I am going to release the anxiety and fear that things have been good so something bad is coming. I will accept the ups and downs as they come.  I release the judgement of others...

 This should be interesting. A new week, with a new moon and the new year. I think I am going to go more anonymous in 2025 so I can really just let it out. This week's reading helped with that. Thursday I go back to work after being off for 12 days and it will be hectic. I will need to keep up and be organized. Today is supposed to be complete relax day, but it won't happen. I need to meal prep and get some things done this week and in order to prepare, I need to make the to-dos. So maybe a nap, but definitely need to get back on track with what is important. So back to doing readings to calm my mind, back to meal prep to help eat better and just in general back on track as the end of the year I got into a funk and said fuck it.  The new moon is for new manifestations and I am going to use the new year new moon to project a healthy and happy me. The new house is on my mind and every day, week and moment I am planning for it. All while PMSing. Yay. So today, I will sit with mys...

 I tried to type earlier, but was having a hard time. I wanted to go see the new house because I woke in a panic about the backyard flooding and well we went to look at it while it was warm enough to melt snow and yep a marshy backyard indeed. Then fear creeped in and even though I hate to judge. Our neighbors at the gas station look to have renters about their shop and well ... more fear. I feel bad. They will probably be our best neighbors, but maybe I wanted our house to be a little further into the country. Once the bushes bloom they will overtake the yard and hide us well though. So, all day I have been sitting uneasy. Did we jump into this? Yes, but that seems to be the best method for us. We are scared. Comfortable and ready to move on. So now I am uncomfortable and unsure. That is where change develops into something good. Hubby has been quiet and I have been getting annoyed because I know he was keeping something from me and it was just that. It is hitting. We have a few w...

 I have been looking at them on Pinterest to try and boost my writing as I don't have much to say lately. I thought it was late, but when I woke it was only 8am. Good enough I guess. A nap will be needed as I have bowling tonight. My neck did not like the way I slept. So that is fun.  Today is purge the kitchen day and well there is a lot that can go. Then I will slowly be making it into a brand new kitchen once we move. With matching cups and shit. One of the prompts. Goal for the next 30 days: to have patience in this underwriting process and pray it all goes smoothly here on out. Each week we are preparing to move. Purging this week. Organizing what needs boxes next week, calling movers. Then packing. Lots of cleaning and cleansing. Giving thanks to this place for the last 10 years.  I think while I am off of school until the 15th, that I am going to bring back my altar. I have not done any readings in a while and to prepare for the new year I should. So, finishing up ...

 I slept in. I have the apt. to myself and the cats are being chill. It is a beautiful morning. My house is a complete mess though and it is purge the closet day. Once I pick up the kiddo, he is going to be so thrilled. My stomach has expanded because I need to fucking shit and should probably reconsider my cheese intake.  I made it through the holiday with more happiness than tears so I feel good about that. The boys seemed to enjoy our Christmas and it was nice spending time with them. I miss Jasmine a lot so that was hard, but me and hubby have a solid plan once we are settled into the new house.  I hope this house goes through. I need a good update already. Patience. I feel it there. I feel myself walking through it and enjoying it. It is coming. The new house will be ours soon. I just need to trust and be patient. I just followed up with my two leads and that is probably all I can do at this point.  I want to use my time off to get shit done around here. Much to...

 my true love did not bother me. So I could sleep in. And I did. About to have some coffee and really just relax today. Maybe, I really need a plan for the time off and what/when to start purging shit. Today though once I get some eggs, it is more baking and just hanging out.  My kiddo hung out with us for a good chunk yesterday and honestly, we were a bit worried. Who knows. His friends are most likely out there doing stuff and he is not. Hate that. Wish he was more social. No idea how to make that happen for him. Just hope and pray he figures it out sooner than later.  I need a new calendar planner. I should probably go to Aldi. I need eggs and that. I need to get back into some kind of fitness or meditation or anything really. But planning for the big move will be coming at me full force with a new year of work and new classes soon behind. How to manage it all. Another thing to figure out.  Goals for the next year:  Get into a steady fitness & wellness pl...

 A beautiful blanket of snow is all over and light flakes coming down. I just might get my white Christmas. One of the very few perks of living in NY. I love watching the seasons change. I am ready to leave this year in full gratitude and plan for 2025. Which means a completely new blog.  I want to challenge myself to write every day and try to have some kind of purpose to it. Today, will be my intentions for the new year. I want to manifest the biggest year yet for our little family. Ah the sun is peaking out.  Our new home will be soon and everything that comes with that. Ready to see what that will be. We have planted the seeds for so long, we are ready for this. Watching my new yard bloom from winter to every season is probably what I am most excited about. Making the home ours, planting an actual garden. Well greenhouse.  Affirmations for Solstice:  I let go of what no longer serves me.  The stillness of winter gives me grounding energy.  I releas...

 Today will hopefully go by fast. Yesterday I got a hold of one painter and his estimate is pending. The other one was talking to me until I sent him the pics and then nothing. So, yeah. That could of actually been because of my stupid mother or brother though. If he recognized me.  We got a little snow last night so I will need to go warm up the car soon and probably scrape off some ice. Our surprise from our bosses was meh. That is what I get for having any kind of expectation, especially when they set the bar so low in the first place. It is what it is and no fucking bonus. But again. I should expect these things. Our raises got approved for Jan 1st and that is all that counts at the moment. I am really grateful for that and the fast that I have a job.  I have a lot to be grateful for this year even though it was a bit rough at times. I made it through with flying colors. I accomplished two wait three huge things I set out for myself. I finished that NEDP program. I am...

 To go with my dress this morning. Outlook to boots as it is cold as fuck and I have to go out and get our brunch shit later. Still no word on the surprise, but not a bonus so there is that. I woke up at 630 after an intense dream of weird. It was my birthday, there was a party vehicle with a couch on top and other than the people I barely associate with, not sure what that was about. Mostly some tall hot guy putting thought into a gift that no one has ever done before so there is that.  Tonight we are going to get Starbies and look at Christmas lights. My favorite thing to do this time of year. I didn't want to plan it though so hubby isn't too thrilled. Oh well, that man can plan something around here. Anything. Dinner, chores, a date night? Nah ... My dream is making sense now.  I could go to work early, but I do not want to. Well I still might so I can take a long lunch. Yeah. It is Thursday. Almost on holiday!  Reading that Grit book at work and it says to have ...

 Ended on a good note in my communications class. 99.25% and still pending for my legal class that was all 100%, but I took a hit on a discussion and another one soon. I just didn't have much to discuss on the topics. You can only say so much before you are actually arguing with someone. Didn't have it in me.  Work went by slow yesterday, but wasn't bad for being one of the only 2 people in the office for most of the day. Today others should join. I think. We will see. There is a "surprise" coming and it will most likely not be anything anyone cares about like swag for the office or a day off on a day everyone already took off. I hope to get the time back if so.  I have been up since 5am, trying to avoid being extra tired and getting a headache again, but outlook not so good. Plus I needed to do some laundry so yay.  So, I decided not to stress about house stuff until after the holiday. I am going to prepare for Winter Solstice and enjoy the holiday season. The ho...

 Just kidding there is one more, but this one I have to work. I have to call places for quotes to paint this stupid garage that is not a garage and then I have to call movers for quotes when I do not really have a closing date. Fun times. A little stressed.  So, a little bit before I need to get myself ready for the day. I picked out my outfit and I do not plan on being to work any earlier than need be this week. I am going to enjoy my time off of school. So, not bringing any books with me in my bag. Just my house notebook. I am going to read Grit during break and try to finish one of my Bridgerton books.  My loan officer is in Florida and I haven't heard from him so I am taking note on the break before the holiday. Maybe that will help with the stress.  Yesterday was a fun day to watch CJ be on a bowling competition Tv show. He made it to the champ, but came up a little short. Still a huge accomplishment for his age. Ryan is finally not fevered and sounded better th...

 One more final exam to complete and my first semester is completed. I have been procrastinating a little. I need to get it done before the end of the day Monday, but wanted it done yesterday. Sunday already. Ryan has been very sick so that's been a worry. The house is a worry with no word about the paint and other bullshit it needs. If either side backs out now though, there are penalties. I think, so they just need to do what is needed at this point.  Mercury retrograde is coming to an end so that should help. Not sure if I am feeling more grounded because of that or the birth control I started. Maybe both. I think we are going to skip Ryan's bowling because of his sick and go to CJ's Tv debut! Very exciting and I really would like to not go, but I want to support him so I will suck it up.  Charlie was off yesterday after I exploded about no one being in the Christmas spirit. Yes, we have had no snow unlike the south towns, but even with the house shit we can get into t...

 My head hurts and the last test was a real assessment, but at graduation I am expected to be at a level 4 in this test which is from a 77% to 80%. I scored an 87.87%. Smiley FACE. I kind of rushed through it so hopefully I will take my time next time I am tested. So other than a reflection that I do not want to get into because it is very specific, can wait until tomorrow. Then my work for the week is done. Woo. Woo. Today has been a very weird day otherwise. Like an out of body experience and places where I would usually be very emotional, I am just calm.  Like my niece falling down the stairs today. All the way fucking down. Terrifying for her, but my reaction and just emotion was just a weird calm. And I am kind of freaking out about that, but then again I told her to get her hands out of her pockets. Thank God she is okay. Other than that emotional day, I am very tired. It was kind of "warm" for WNY so I walked on lunch. I am eating like complete shit and that is most li...

 Finally the house is showing as pending online and that made me feel better even though my anxiety is high for this incoming week already.  School is busy with a lot of shit to do and then more comes in on Friday to Monday to end the semester. All I can say about that is then I am on break until January 16th. I am off this Thursday for hubby's bday and need to try and focus on how to make it a decent day even though we can't spend any money. Should be easy enough.  Wondering what is going to come from the house business is stressing me the fuck out. Wish we would get answers a little faster. Just need to pray at this point and try to ground myself. Sleep would be good as I did not get it last night with the fucking wind.  So yeah now that my lectures are finally done for the day. I will be laying in bed awaiting sleep. But hubby decided to go out so probably won't sleep until he gets home so there's that. Kind of pissing me off this week already and he doesn't seem...

 It is close to a blizzard out there and looks like I will be headed to work. I did give the kid the option to stay home because I do not want to be driving all over the city in this shit. Hoping I do not get stuck in the driveway because it does not look like  a plow is coming before I need to leave. I really can't believe the city expects kids to walk in this shit to go to the bus or school. Do better Lockport. This place is turning into such a shit town and I cannot wait to get out. Mins you another 3k out the door and still pending a decision by the bank.  So off into the snow tundra praying for some good news. Soon. For now I am going to sip my coffee and prepare myself. Thinking once we move, the drive will be longer and so I better enjoy this short drive while I can. And I will. It has been the main perk of my job. The new drive home will allow me to have time to myself though. I do not get it coming home so quick. Winter is winter in WNY. I have been back here 15 ...

 The snow came in nicely without being too much, but the wind is a bit harsh. I will need to arrange to get my kiddo from school. I saw a kid wearing a t-shirt and jeans, I am pretty even he was fucking cold. I got some much needed sleep. My boogies were turning yellow so I took some sinus Mucinex. Knocked me out cold and I went to a very weird place in my dreams. Definitely memories.  Killing time before work as I do not want to get there until 9. No earlier. I thought about it, but why bother if I will need to stay until said time because no one decided to show up. Then again the roads aren't terrible and anyone that watches the weather know it's coming in tonight for a possible snow day tomorrow. 50 mph winds. Being 6 mins away won't help me unless they shut the office down. We shall see. 7 inches over 2 days is not much.  I decided I am not reaching out to anyone today. I might even keep my phone on DND for a good part of the day. We did not hear back from the seller ...

 Still pending word on how the seller will handle the electrical issues. Leaving my mind to wander when I just really want to imagine being in the house. Too much worry is entering my mind and I am not having a good time. I made myself focus on school work for a little while and the outlines for my assignments are done. Just need to type out the drafts tomorrow and try to reply to the discussions.  Hoping for maybe a snow day because that may be what everyone needs at the moment. So, a blast of snow, what will it bring? I might be asking for too much though so instead please just give me a sign on what to decide with this house. Wish I had some adults in my life to guide me with these hard decisions. I am exhausted. So is my husband, but he can sleep. In fact he has been since 6:30. I might take something because good rest will help with the emotions.  I think at this time my most hope and prayers are going towards the loan and getting that approved. I would hate for ever...

 Yesterday I was thinking about the inspection and out of no where the water spout in the kitchen started dripping. Of course to me everything is a sign so after tightening the knob, I thought what does this pertain to. Welp. The inspection issue might be an old ass water tank and the fact that it should probably be replaced. I am assuming anyone who wants to make a sale at this point will say it is nothing, but even a few things to possibly come up on the appraisal and honestly that is the one that really counts. I am just thinking if we need to replace a water tank, that is not cheap nor do we have the money readily available right now. So, worried. What are we willing to take on? We shall see. We got our first snow fall. A light dusting and enough to make the roads slick as fuck. Already wearing my warmest sweater. Work was cold as fuck and not very enjoyable do to that. Thinking about all of the things from the inspection and honestly nothing minus that tank is major or needs t...

 We got a little fluff of snow last night. Hoping the roads were salted as I have to drive to the new house for the inspection. Preparing for a busy week. Today with the inspection and Mondays after a long holiday are always busy. Then patience as we wait to hear about the loan in hopes that our investment with the inspection works out.  Thursday is the graduation. Still a bit embarrassed about it, but I worked my ass off. Some recognition will be great. I'm going to cry, my hubby will cry lol it will be an event. I am not sure if my blood work has come back yet, but now I know to answer the phone in case it does not so I can reschedule. It is supposed to snow the rest of the week and it is December, it feels like it. Hopefully I do not have to fight with my kiddo about putting on his winter jacket.  I am so tired. I was up late with the Bills game, then couldn't fall asleep. Then 4:30 alarm for hubby. Did not go back to sleep. I should make coffee. We have to leave in an...