Tuesday

 Well I am up earlier, just not by much. I truly hate waking up early, but I am trying. A few more weeks and I will need to be up and at it with the kiddo. I will have an 8th grader and in 4 more yrs a senior. I can't take it. But by then I hope to have a true career job and to have the party at our house. Many get togethers. I miss having those and space to do it is soon. 

I realized that I have seen Streetlight Manifesto, I knew I did but from being a drunk person most of my life, I could not remember when or where. Apparently 13 yrs ago. The night I couldn't remember and the person I apparently went with well. Probably didn't go with me. So, I blocked the night out - blacked out more the word. Even though I am realizing that I might be phasing out of concerts, jk - I do enjoy going to them sober now. Almost at 2 yrs and still feel like I might want to when stressed, but definitely no urges to actually do it. I would be so sick and the thought just isn't there. Another thing to be proud about that I push off to the side. At the grad party everyone was drinking and I didn't even think about it well one time when someone brought the fucking hot dogs, but it was much fun to make Charlie's mom fucking speechless for once. She asked if I tried a new flavor of some drink and my response was dead serious - no I have been sober for two fucking years. She had nothing to say for a solid minute. It was nice. I then added her son has been too. Just pushing the fact more that she doesn't give a fuck about us. 

I should go outside and feed my birds, but the squirrels have depleted me once again and I really do not want to. 

I feel a little bad about not wanting to go to Charlie's softball tonight, but that guy just wants me to go watch him and be his #1 fan. I do not want to go sit and chitchat with the other "fans" But yeah if he wants to bowl - whatever. If his shoulder gets bad again, I really do not want to hear it and he would keep it from me anyways so there is that. What can I do? 

After bowling tonight to make up our missed game, I need to do some cleaning. I think I am going to turn my alter desk into my school desk. Last night when just trying to journal and focus on myself for a few - Charlie next to me was like oh I want a foot rub and moving about clicking his hip and ultimately just being fucking annoying. Guy needs more attention than I do and it is becoming a pain in the ass. This time when we fade though I am just going to let it. I am not going to fight for the glow to come back. Just let it be. 

Well it is 8am so time to find something to wear for work. Thinking a dress today, I think I am pretty much done bleeding. Tomorrow I am definitely taking he me time and staying at home while the boys bowl. 

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