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 Yep finally after many months of not doing so, I checked my weight. Slightly (by one pound) less than I guessed. I have one of those phone watches now so I started back up pushing myself yesterday. More than the rest of the week, but yep logging food, checked my weight and pushed for those 10k steps. Even with bowling - did not make it. There was a suggestion to go to work earlier and walk, but I know I will not have time to do all of that starting next week and when the weather turns, I definitely won't so. Nah. I need him to clear the fucking treadmill and to start hopping on that. I will mention it later, but communication with him has been hard this week. In his own little stupid fucking world again. I don't even have the energy to pull him out this time either. 

Work was a little hectic making it more obvious that I need to set home time to do school work. Even if I tried, I would be constantly interrupted and wouldn't be able to focus when I got a moment. So, mornings other than trying to hope on the treadmill for 30 will be for seeing what the day might bring and trying to block out times. Today, I will work and then I see what this other Zumba instructor is about. Maybe some yoga for a good stretch and some time away from the boys. 

At some point the next email from school will be how to log into class. So, hopefully that is soon. At this point I am just anxious to start. 

I ended up asking Ryan's grandpa for help on those fucking sneakers and all signs point to a scam. I fucking hope not. We do not need the lesson, it was hard enough admitting I needed help even though I should of just said no and told the kid to pick out different shoes. Who knows when he will get them and if they will be legit though and it looks like no refunds or cancellations so either way I may be fucked. Well - grandpa paid for them and I do not want him to be out the money. I would feel even worse. Instead of asking his dad to help he offered so there is that, but still. Hoping everything is legit because everything I read this morning points to maybe not. I noted this to hubby and his response was - did you get a confirmation email. This is the shit that pisses me off. A whole blurb about my research this morning and one reply that has nothing to fucking do with what I even said. Every. Fucking. Day. All. Fucking. Day. Hate. It. 

Also, being motivated to get back into shape has been lost on him and really again I do not intend to push or pull or do anything to get him out of whatever the fuck this is once again. Hopefully the rain and just lack of wanting to spend money will motivate us to save some money. If it ever fucking rains. 

Work will probably be the same as the other receptionist from the NF is out until at least Monday or longer so, well it made the day go fast. Trying to resist laying in bed and then avoiding the living room because I need to full change the cat boxes - yep that is on me too. It has been needed to be done and I remembered to buy the stuff but heaven forbid anyone fucking do it around here. Ugh same shit different day. Yes, I continue to think about what my life would be like if I just had a break from my husband. I said it. Just less stress, yeah lonely without my only friend but seriously cleaner house, the ability to just relax when I come home and not watch stupid fucking shit on the tv. A clean house. Yeah I know I said it, but seriously. Just wish I could see what the better decision would be. Is it worth it to be this stressed, talk to someone who doesn't pay attention or any of the other shit? My mental health says no. 

Then what? I made a promise to love someone until death do us part, mind you I never wanted to be divorced until I was fucking married, but these last couple of years have not been my favorite. Me not remembering the name of a football player and then telling him never mind when it comes to me I will say it and then him insisting on guessing for 20 fucking minutes until I scream shut the fuck up. That is not the future I want. I also do not want him never around while I am at home doing all of the things. All signs point to alone is better. Then what ? I be alone? Yes, that actually sounds nice. The dating pool is shit and I would never jump back into that. 

Constantly pulling or pushing this man to be something he is not is not helping either. I believe you should be with someone that motivates you to grow and be better than you were the day before and well. This ain't it and it is too much work for me. Having this talk with him again will lead no where. So, do I just move alone and in silence? Maybe. I have never been known to do that though. Guess soon enough I will be able to focus on only myself for school and trying to keep up with my health & fitness. Making sure the kiddo is at school and what not. Any effort from him will definitely need to be on his own because I just do not have time for it other than the fact I am tired of it. Do people really just stay together for the company at the end of the day? 

Even my birding has taken a back burner. Another thing I thought we would do together and it turned out to be just me. Just depressing. I only wanted to bowl to have something to do with him but already dreading it after a night of fun last night and it turned into do this, do this, do this. I am not setting out to be a good bowler. I go out to bowl to have fun and let off some stress. UGH.  A lot on my mind today. This is why I slept like shit, couldn't go back to sleep and just overall a little stressed. The worst part is that I am back to this place of unhappiness due to the lack of from him and he will think everything is junky fucking dory until I flip the fuck out. Going to do my best not to because honestly, it just does not matter, but one time just one fucking time I would like my husband to say hey I haven't been the best and then start being better. Maybe it is too much to ask. Maybe I ask too much. But if it is too much then don't be with me. Easy enough. Right? Why continuously make me unhappy and not have any desire to make a good marriage. Why stay comfortable and in your own little world all about you? Fucker couldn't even get my coffee order right. If I told him to go out and get my favorite Starbucks in which he orders the same - I know this because I know him and could go to any place and order his favorite, but he couldn't even do that for me. After 10 fucking years. We could go to our favorite restaurant and he wouldn't be able to order for me even though it has been the same thing for years. So, here I sit journaling, complaining, getting it out of my system and ultimately just become more annoyed. Hate these realizations. Honestly, do I do something about it? Or do I just deal with it? Guess I will for now because I just have other things that are more important. I know one thing though. The kiddo will be gone all weekend and I am not even looking forward to spending the whole weekend with only my husband. 

I think I will sage and take a bath or vice versa. I need to push this negativity out. Maybe it should be a weekend of what I want to do and he can go do whatever the fuck he wants. I am tired, pmsing and just not in the mood.