What vacation?

 Well after some madness from this school bullshit and the work bullshit, I decided to just take some time off. So, this week I started with intent to just relax and try to figure out my next steps or something. I took a day to go to the school and try to figure shit out, but I was rushed for an hour n half without completing everything I need to be done. I will be preparing a long winded complaint/review or whatever you want to call it once this shit is finally done. After going back and forth on one of the questions that keep coming back - that I finally proved myself to be right and that they should of just accepted my fucking answer - well not the college will not stop calling me. 

$414 did randomly show up, but not sure it is legit. So, I need to figure that out on Monday, including trying to get the rest of the program finished and classes started for September. Yeah, yeah - I did decide to keep going the best I can even though it is hard and pisses me off a lot. But I need to do this for myself. No one else, but myself. Whatever comes next will be good from it, so I have to keep going. 

As for work, well - yeah I am lucky to have the job with the pay and being so close to home. I need to control my emotions and get through the day then go home. I don't need to be everyone's friend or person they lean on. The office has enough "work moms." And I do not need or want to be one of them. So, just going to go in, work and go home to my family. Whatever comes next is still unwritten. Yep now that song is in my head again after being there most of the day. 

I went outside and was trying to meditate and ground myself - then it rained. A beautiful summer rain that I am still a little muddy from as we spent most of the day outside while Charlie smoked the damn brisket. 

Fireworks are still going off in various places and it was a decent week off. Tomorrow is Sunday and I have debated even going to hubby's All-Star game. Still just wore out emotionally and really I put more into our relationship than he does and I really need to just ... not. 

Thankful for today and how it went slow. The weather was beautiful and honestly my hormones were a bit in check today. Maybe because I am trying to just not give so many fucks in all aspects of my life at the moment. Also, just need to love myself more because no one else is going to. 

So, with this new moon, I want to affirm that I will try harder to do what is best for myself. I can love my husband and do not need to go to every fucking one of his games. Tuesday is already canceled to take the kiddo for a much needed haircut. 

We did open another bank account and I wish I didn't put him on it, but that is another story and honestly, I plan on taking his card and acting like I have no idea where it is. I am going to put more of my check in it and the $414 is going into my hidden drawer for myself. If he does not want to hear my bitching anymore, he will learn what I am not putting up with anymore. This one way street is officially closed. 

And maybe I will take some time to fucking work out. I just haven't had it in me with everything else. This PMS shit is hard, work is hard, school is hard and I think I am eating okay and staying kind of active so it isn't all bad. 

Tomorrow I will take a long bath and enjoy hopefully another slow day of watching my birdies and critters in the yard. I fully love it and it makes me happy.

I know this is a chaotic time in the terms of planets, retrograde, the moon and just my usual bullshit so staying low has been good. Just wish it could of been more resting and less every fucking thing else. The 4th of July was good, but the day with Charlie trying to celebrate our anniversary that no matter what he says was not wanted or a good time. I was highly emotional from previous days and just the realization that he will never meet me half way on what I need on anything in this fucking marriage. 

Fake it until you make it works for him, but it does not work for me. I do plan on getting better at it though. Also, hate that when I am feeling this way and think I have put someone in the back of my mind - I see that person in Walmart and with a quick glance back, well ... yeah. It will pass. 

I am getting better at this one day at a time thing. At least for today. Today was a good day of getting caught in the summer rain twice - and even though I wanted to be loved and kissed in it - that did not happen. Still took the time to ground myself and enjoy it. 

Maybe I will have a migraine tomorrow. I am bound to get one anyways and I need some more time to myself to connect to whatever this feeling is and work it out. I do think though that today he felt how broken we really are. The constant disappoint he is and the fact that even if we keep going - we are not going in the right direction or so it seems. 

Just mad at the world at the moment that every fucking thing is so damn hard. I know that is what makes everything worth it, but I am really starting to wonder what is and what will be. 

I want someone to dance in the rain with me and be proud to be with me. I do not want to be with someone that is so lost anymore. I need someone to level up with and not hold me down. I need someone to challenge me and not agree with ANYTHING I say. I want to go with the flow, but feel like the flow is in the right direction. 

I want to enjoy the summer with slow days like today, be cozy and festive in the Fall and hibernate in the winter.