Busy as fuck

 Had some nice downtime last night, but barely felt like it other than the early sleep, so I have time this morning. I was going to go to work earlier, but I have an appointment at 4 that is a few mins away. No need to leave at 3:30. Thinking about the upcoming weekend and things I need to get done. I have come to the realization that this school shit will not be done by August as it has been almost 2 weeks for the fucking review on the corrections I made on last lesson and well they always find something to come back with. Just have to roll with those punches I guess. I only have one essay left to do on the very last lesson of the very last lesson. So, there is that. Now how long will it take to be reviewed, corrected, reviewed and submitted so I can get the fuckinng certificate and be done? Who fucking knows, but when it is done, I will sign up for the following semester. I am doing my part and cannot control the rest <- I'm a big girl now. 

Today, debating Zumba, but just not feeling those vibes anymore. So, might just go to hubby's game and watch my birdies. It is my Friday. Tomorrow we are driving out to the Bills training camp. It will be sunny and hot and of course after all that, hubby has decided to play ball at 8pm far away. No, I will not be going. I will be doing things for his son's grad party while he as usual does as little as possible. I would wish that he uses his brain more, but really thinking there is not one in there. So, I will do what I said I will do for this party and then be done. His kid hasn't been the best towards me and well I am over it. Cooking the meat this weekend to be frozen until the party. So, gotta shop for that then do it. Wass hoping to do that Friday after the training camp, but - okay now I am getting mad and should say something. Let's do that. 

I did find a one bedroom I know I could move into as it is someone I went to high school with that owns the building. But a small one bedroom so that won't work. Yes, that is still on my mind. I just really can't stand Charlie lately. He does nothing without being told and quite frankly doesn't even try to turn me on anymore. Tried to be somewhat cute last night and instead of doing the cute thing stuck his fingers in my armpits which he knows I hate more than anything. Total turn off for the rest of the night. I said I would get through this fucking grad party, but if he isn't going to put that first then I might not even make it that far. 

Today is my Friday so I should enjoy it. I should go to Zumba and probably yoga after. Get away from this house and the people in it. 

Ryan and I had it out yesterday and whether he is depressed or not, he is fucking way to mouthy. I get it, I have provided a space for him to be home and safe, but fuck man this kid has barely left this house all summer. "Epic Summer" of nothing. I do need to make some time to go to the movies, so I will try to do that. 

That is the hardest part about fucking life, trying to figure out when to try harder or give the fuck up and move on. 

All I know is that the world is on fire and I do not want to be with someone that I have to continuously tell what to do in life. Yeah yeah the whole then don't - then if I don't, nothing gets done. That is the fucking problem. 

I have been feeling a lot of wishing I didn't fuck up shit in Texas so bad and where would I be if I did the things I wanted and said I was doing. Yes, I shouldn't live there, but I can still think what if? Meh nah I wouldn't be here now mostly living the life I never thought I would get or be living at all for that matter. I am grateful for how far I have come and need to stop letting myself get to myself. Just wish I had a partner to take care of me the way I take care of him. Not someone that just deals with me, but gives me shit when I need it, pushes me to be better, encourages and loves me, is proud to be with me and isn't afraid to show his love. Never going to get it with this guy. Need to break the pattern with him. But not sure how or what is best. 

Yeah I need to focus on myself. Full throttle not worrying about anyone else. Let them deal with their own bullshit. After this stupid party, fuck it. I can go back to being about me without getting drunk. I can do things for myself. Like I made a hair appointment for next week and felt so fucking guilty about it? Why? No time, no money ? Nah fuck that. Making the time and I have the money. Also, I need a fucking hair cut. It has been since like my birthday. 

Today, I will work, get school shit done and go to fucking Zumba. Also, I think I want to become an instructor. I might talk with the girl about being my mentor. Extra money and staying active is a huge goal, so I can do both with this I think. 

It seems to be calling out. If anything it will be time for myself. I think I can fit it in.