Dreams during Solar something

 My Sunday has gone as planned so far and that is good. The wind and winter bullshit outside has me worried about the boys driving, but they will be gone all day. So, I went back to sleep after getting them out the door. Weird ass parallel world dream. As if things worked out for my kiddo's dad and me. I guess that outcome would of been nice to if he wasn't a cheating asshole who only cares about himself. Done sugar coating that one. But definitely has me a little shook. Ha. him trying to be sweet. Us watching the Superbowl at his Dad's - very weird. Seeing my kiddo get more angry every year just doesn't make it feel right, but I guess the what if would of been nice. Doesn't matter. I am where I need to be and that is all good with me. 

We may not have a house, but we have built so much since getting together and I can provide for my kiddo without saying I am broke. That is all that matters to me and I do not care. My kids will have the love and comforts that I did not get when I was growing up. I do not feel bad for that at all. I used to feel bad mostly because my sister wanted me to. Even though I miss her and her kiddos, I do not feel bad for working my ass off to get where I am and I will continue to do so to reach my higher goals. I think I have finally learned that the only person I owe anything to is myself. I think about my Memaw and that is literally the only thing I would go back and change in my life. I would not have treated her like complete shit in my angry teenage years and I would of cherished every fucking moment I still had with her. I thank GOD that I had her to show me what unconditional love is so that I can share that with the people I love. 

So, yeah will forever touchy about that, but learning to forgive myself only because I knew she would of. 

Just looked up the place the boys are supposed to go today after bowling due to the weather. It is not even open. Charlie really needs to learn to plan better. Or not one area says open and another does not. People just don't give a fuck about keeping things up to date anymore. 

Anyways, my plan for the day is self care. No school work today. I stayed up to almost midnight getting a lesson done. I watched a movie with the boys and some tv with my kiddo as he was asking me all day to do so. Priorities - always my kiddo first. Plus he had another damn fever. Forgot to check it this morning, but I wasn't going to stop him from bowling. 

Today - make a smoothie. Find a Zumba video with a little more today. I feel like yesterday was an hour class, but she took it easy. So maybe the Chinese lady today. She moves super fast and does not stop. Still debating on becoming an instructor. I do not have much time for it at the moment, but maybe in my future. I want to do rock songs though and I do not know how that would work out. Anyways, smoothie, dance video, weights, shower - full clean hair and shave. After I clean the bathroom to what I like it to be - fucking Charlie cleaned it last week and did not even clean the toilet. Also, had no intention of even doing so. Fucking pisses me off. Then I will continue my day of maybe watching a new show and playing my video game. Maybe even a nap. Ha jk, I do not want to be up all night. I plan on making a good dinner and maybe staying up a little late though because me and the kiddo are off tomorrow. The weather is probably not going to make for a good mommy & baby day out. Then we only have work/school Tuesday & Wednesday - then off to Cleveland and I guess Splash Lagoon on the way back. Not really looking forward to that, but it will be some good family time. 

It is time for me to get into gear a little bit so I can eat, but I did want to mention a huge thank you to my body. I have been frustrated with myself lately for eating shittier and not being on the ball about working out. But last night. I got naked in front of my mirror as I do every night and this time I looked at myself. I looked at the work that has been done and has not been messed up by my unhealthy two ice cream sammiches here and there. And honestly. I look fucking amazing. I see the progress and I can envision how I want to continue. I am just thankful that my body, mind and everything inside and out is coming together. I am really happy in the body I am in now and I will continue to work towards the goal. But damn. I look hot nekkid and honestly last night was the first time I looked at myself and thought - there is that happy medium I have always wanted. Not to skinny and underweight. Not overweight feeling like a blob. I am a fit, 41 year old, short mama that looks like she is taking care of herself and it is paying off! I am sorry for beating myself up for all of these years and I am just so very thankful that after everything I have put myself through - I am still here and I am happy. Honest to God proud of myself and I will not fail myself anymore.