Chumbawumba

 Because that song will not stop in y head and for good reason I suppose. For the main line of " I get knocked down, but I get up again" "You're never gonna keep me down" or something close. Still not feeling like a complete human, but decided that I am not letting it take me over anymore. I will force myself out of this funk somehow. 

Did taxes yesterday and being married is even more stupid than we thought. It just dicked us into a place where we owe money and will not be seeing a return. Then H&R Block had the audacity to say that will be $335 dollars. That took me way low. Now this funk. How do I get myself back up again? I know it could be worse, but I can also still be sad about it, but don't dwell? UGH. So far very frustrated and even more confused which way I want this year to go. Opportunity ? Trying to find it. Reasons to divorce - put this on the pro list. No bonus from Charlie's job and no taxes. Cool.

Am I going to isolate? Yes. Do I care? No. Just keep my eyes on the goals. At first I was like oh well there's no reason to add more debt to this stress with going to school so I will not go. As usual my husband just says okay babe. Nothing to the extent of no, you should do this. I am the only one that wants this and do I keep pushing? For what more opportunity and money? For what ? To pay back the federal government every fucking year for doing so? Then bitterness sets in, so moving on? Maybe. I will at least continue to get my GED and maybe something will click. I will do my good paying job with pride as I am thankful for that. But maybe, just maybe my husband has it right and laying low and enjoying your job is just what you need. Well I will try it for once. No waves, no complaining. Just do my job come home to my family who gives two shits how I am feeling and continue to live my life until I die. YAY. 

41 is looking like a rough start, but I know I will overcome this feeling. What lessons am I missing? Let's see. I am thankful to have everything I need, food, money, a soft bed, working vehicles. So, lots to be grateful for. 

At least we have the money to pay the irs and wee will just need to strap up some more to continue to our housing goal. Heads down and focus. 

Nature the last couple days has been weird when going to walks as it usually is when we go out for a walk. Yesterday a truly disturbing scene, but definitely feel this one. Just a squirrel hanging on a line by it's teeth - DEAD. The day before a squirrel seemed frantic trying to get another out of a hole. Making noises of fear and ones we have never heard. We did not know what to do other than let it run it's course - so as with them - just need to let this bullshit run it's course and carry on. Kind of makes me not want to go for a walk today. Opened up the window to see frost and fog. Weird shit is going on and there really isn't much to do about it, but deal with it. 

So, now today. Sunday - plan my week. Work, class, and yoga. I decided not to push myself to extremes with working out and doing some yoga - for ya know Zen February. I have a few or so gift cards to use from Christmas so I am going to spend those and enjoy my birthday week. 

My belly is back and not just for my period. It is saggy and gross from sugar. So, being serious about this eating good shit. Even though my first thoughts are to make cookies and well I had Arby's - because husband knowing I was upset pulled right into the drive through without a beat, but also without and motivation to say no babe - you will feel like shit after. It really is up to me and only me. 

Today the boys are going to go to bowling about 45 mins away. So, that will give me some time to myself. No list of to-do. Whatever comes to mind at the moment will be what I do. For now - it is getting this kiddo up and ready to go.