Tired but can't sleep

 I know why - it is what I am eating and it has been total shit. I made cookies last night. Had a bunch of those. Made pasta had a bunch of that with a biscuit. 

I gave into the tummy ache bullshit today from Ryan and stayed home too. Then I told Charlie to come hang with us, but he ruined that energy and is now at pickleball. He didn't want to be home relaxing having a sick day. 

I tried to nap because this general feeling of yuck is just about enough. I do not want to go to Zumba due to the pure hatred of how many people will be there. 

Already fucking up this new energy. Fucking scrolling all day. Eating like shit. And just generally being lazy. My mouth hurts and still haven't heard from Aspen and honestly just need to find somewhere else to do this work because they have been useless. 

Actually not feeling extremely guilty about work today. So, there's a plus. I needed today off, but it probably would of best spent - alone. I need some quiet to align my intentions for the upcoming space shit happening. I do not want another 20 years of shit. I want to be doing what I should be doing to get to where I am going. I keep talking about it, planning it and honestly just not fucking doing it. So, after journaling and trying to get myself out of this funk, I am going to work out. In my living room where I am comfortable. I know, I know - step out of the comfort, but I am with my work outs and do not need to put myself through the anxiety of people. Getting spiritually aligned is lonely and I am getting that. 

So here instead of trying to put my thoughts to rest with scrolling, I am journaling. I am just tired and feel like I want to cry and honestly have no idea why. Maybe - because in 3 weeks I will not be where I wanted to be weight wise, but at this point that is my own fault and I am just tired of stressing over it. I am proud of myself and my body. 

Winter does actually put me into a depression, but this year I do not think it is so bad as it started later and honestly I am liking the excuses to cozy up and enjoy being inside. Trying to get myself motivated to go out will be hard, but I will work on it. Mostly for work and other obligations. I think I am going to stick to another year of working out at home. My plans were good and I am finding videos I like. 

Not pulling cards is silly, I should be using those guides. It is almost Aquarius time and that is my favorite. 

I finally mentioned not exactly liking the gift my husband got me for my birthday. A concert would of been nice, but for something I really wanted to to go to. Honestly I am over concerts and I did tell him that. Would of loved another tattoo or getting my hair done. And yes I want the expensive Lego flower sets. They are adorable and would be perfect in my office. 

Not sure what the underlining fuck is other than my jaw hurting, but hopefully I can figure it out before Monday because I have shit to do. 

Meh I guess I have 20 years to figure out what Pluto in my sign will look like. For now though I will worry about today. 

Today. I really would like to lay down. I need to learn that sometimes I overwhelm myself with all of these plans and what I need to do is just make sure I am doing something good for my fitness journey once a day no matter what it is. It is winter. So, lets see what video I can find and then I am going to eat Taco bell. Ha. I know.