Fucking hate Routine

 At the same time I need it to function properly. My mind is running this morning mostly on myself and lack of motivation lately. Even my tarot cards are telling me to get it together. Starting the new new every fucking year on your period after hell pms - a retrograde, full moon and every fucking thing else is hell. Trying to snap into a better mood - well it just ain't for me at the moment. I am hella stressed about upcoming weather. As usual it is up to me to get the kiddo from school if it is super shitty out. Life of a single mom am I right? Oh wait. I am not a single mom. Or am I ? I can never fucking figure it out because my husband is completely useless unless it fits into his wants or needs. Married though so stuck there. Next issue? Random attacks, explosions and threats, but no one wants to talk about them. It happens then poof, it is like it never happened. That is getting annoying because conspiracy or not. Something is going on and no one fucking cares. Then I remind myself that if I didn't fucking spend time scrolling, I wouldn't know about most of it. So, need to put a better effort into tuning the world out I guess. 

Then I come back to just needing someone to talk to other than myself. Again, my husband is useless for this. Has been tuned out of our relationship since - well the beginning. Now I see why people have affairs. Yes, I said it. Needing a connection and not getting it from someone you love is the fucking worst. I have always been this way, but in my older age I realize that I am less needy so when I need it and don't get it - it just pushes me further away. No need to keep trying to get it from someone that really does not fucking care to put in the effort. Thus leading to seeking it elsewhere. New co workers are a no go though, they are young and stuck on what is going on in their lives. Counseling, well I have threatened it. Maybe I need to look and set that appointment before I go into affair mode. Huh? The thing is, I think he would be relieved of all duties and just move on. Sadly, I think it would make him feel better. But anyways. I wouldn't do it. So, I should get on that couples counseling train. I am fucking bored and I do not think our relationship should be this fucking boring. Then again maybe I am wrong and it is what it should be after 10 fucking years. 

Either way it is all down to myself and what I really want to go after and should be doing with my life. I am just kind of floating in an in between. Yesterday was a busy day at work. Today will be less as I am caught up. So, now to focus on my future. Well I learned that I need to just shut up and go with whatever is being asked of me. So, that cleared a bunch up for me. 

I really need to take some time to work out today. I will definitely be pushing my weights at work and when I get home, find something to do. 

Mostly though, I need to figure out this overall funk and how to get rid of it. Sending an honest text to the husband and knowing he will just be like we are fine, things are fine blahblahblah. 

I think I am ready to just be alone for a while. It probably has nothing to do with him or anyone else. 

Just me. Needing to get in tune with myself and needing to shut everything else out. How do I do that and still enjoy life? 

Some guy on insta that calls himself an astrologer or whatever - he angers me, but yet i watch his bullshit predictions. He said I would meet someone today or around he new moon that would change my life for the better. I am curious. I am open. The new moon is the 11th and we have a new director coming in to meet everyone. I am wondering if this will be it. We shall see. 

Of course he pulls his pity me bullshit. I am over it. 

We are supposed to be saving and he is talking about a $95 item for his new fucking hobby. His kid made it to Jr. Gold again and that is awesome, but at the same fucking time we planned a whole vacation around it last year and we said no trips this year. I said if he actually makes it far he can take the drive out there for a day or two, but no he wants to push for the whole stupid week. I refuse. We will fight about that. Just stupid shit. He just pulls on my nerves now and I do not know how to shut that off. I do not want to take care of this man anymore. I want a partner who thinks about me too and things that need to be taken care of and not everything he wants. He just went through another pair of pants and instead of saying I need to go get new pants he is talking about this fucking expensive ass pickleball paddle. Like bro get your priorities in order. How am I supposed to think about myself when I am constantly reminding him how to live? And why do I take it upon myself to be like that? How to I break that?!

I wish I had the power to just let shit go. This coming "Dark Moon" the night before the New Moon, I am supposed to let shit go that no longer align. I am asking the universe to guide me as to what the fuck that is and help me do it. I am tired of being weighed down by my thoughts and just want to be able to go with the flow and not fucking worry.